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Hello darkness my old friend I've come to talk with you again because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping, and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains, within the sound of silence. In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobble stone. Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damn, when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, that split the night. And touched the sound of silence. And in the naked light I saw, ten thousand people maybe more, people talking without speaking, people hearing without listening, people writing songs that voices never share and no one dared. Disturb the sound of silence. Fools, said I, you do not know, silence like a cancer grows, hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you. But my words, like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence. And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made and the sign flashed out its warning, in the words that it was forming and the sign said the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls. And whispered in the sounds of silence.

What's funnier than 24? 10% obsessed.

Creation Universe being a death trap is too ridiculous.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Script
Dave Bosoy: Daddy's back, you bitches... Daddy's back, you bitches!

Niko Bellic: Dave, come on. [knocking on door] Come on Dave.

Hossan Ramzy: Niko? What are you doing?

Niko Bellic: Dave is not coming.

Hossan Ramzy: Ah, ignore him. Come on we got to get this thing ready before we dock.

(Niko Bellic and Hossan Ramzy climb a ladder to a higher deck)

Hossan Ramzy: Let's go. Here, pass me that. There. Whooh yeah! There she is... Liberty City.

Niko Bellic: Yeah.

Hossan Ramzy: You ever been?

Niko Bellic: No.

Hossan Ramzy: Crazy place, Niko.

Niko Bellic: What you going to do?

Hossan Ramzy: I might come back on board... or I might try to make a go of it. Like they say, it is the land of opportunity. I always wanted to make it big... own a nice place, get a dog, a house... live the dream!

Niko Bellic: Like my cousin.

Hossan Ramzy: Oh yeah?

Niko Bellic: Yes - he's got the lot - house, women, cars, parties... he writes me in these wild emails, and after I got into trouble, I thought maybe uh... and then I got this gig, and I spend the next seven months with you fine people and I forget... After the war finished, I couldn't get a job, nobody could... so I, uh, did some dumb things and got involved with some idiots...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Hossan Ramzy: Ahh, we all do dumb things... that's what makes us human.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Could be.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Niko Bellic and Hossan Ramzy disembark and Niko waits for his cousin)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Niko! My cousin! I can't believe it! You're here!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Hey!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Welcome to America!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Good to see you, cousin.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: What?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Good to see you, man - what, you forget our language?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Uhhh... cabbages? Maybe a little. I've been here 10 years! You can speak English. Remember, we learned off the English girls with the big...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Hey, a little... not so good.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Ahh, you'll be fine. Better than my Serbian. So good to see you cousin. I can't believe you made it! Ha! Shit... I have to tell you I had quite a night last night. Two women! The land of opportunity. I've made it!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman Bellic stumbles around)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Shit, man, I'm still a touch drunk.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: A touch?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: My cousin is here!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Woah! Roman, Roman, come on, come on, relax.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: We're going to rule the world!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Dock worker #1: Yeah, yeah, whatever, buddy. Just take over the world someplace else, alright?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Dock worker #2: Yeah, buddy! Take off!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Dock worker #1: You're in the Goddamn way.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Screw you... screw you all!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Dock worker #2: Hey, come on, man!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: My cousin is here! Niko Bellic! He's the fucking man, bitches!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Roman, come on, let's go... to the mansion, eh?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Yes, the mansion! Whoa.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman Bellic stumbles)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Maybe you should drive...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Maybe I should.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Okay!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Okay. Hey is this a cab? Where's the sports car?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Err, it's in the shop... come on!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Niko Bellic begins to drive Roman Bellic back to his 'mansion')

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Drive us to our place on Mohawk, it's just up the road. I'll let you know when we're there.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Niko Bellic continues driving Roman Bellic home)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Why don't you show me around the city?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Fucking terrorists.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: What?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Terrorists. There's been a big scare and you can't go across the bridges so good. You, without a visa, I would stay in Broker. Fuck it, stay in Hove Beach. Everyone like us does.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Niko drives past the cab depot)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: That is my cab depot, cousin. It is where I make all the money.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">or:

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: We are passing the cab office, Niko. This is the business that will take us to the top of the pile.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Niko, you ever had two women at once? Four big titties to be playing with? I thought I had died and gone to heaven, man.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: I can't prove that I have.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Cousin, it's been too long... you should have come out earlier. Think of all the girls you've been missing out on!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: Our country has women too.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: Yes, but only locals. Here we have white, black, the Puerto Ricans and the Asians, Europeans on vacation, scared Canadians, bored housewives from the Midwest - every possible choice. The city is like a big Uder Milken Ice Cream shop: thirty-six flavors of titty. Hove Beach is our little corner of Eastern Europe.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko Bellic: What a charming image. Hove Beach, next to the docks. Immigrants here do not make it very far from the boats they come in on.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman Bellic: No, everyone seems happy where they are. It reminds them of the Black Sea or something - people leave home to hang around the people they ran away from,very odd. Is just temporary for us though. Our sights are set for the top. Mansions in Berchem, penthouse in Algonquin... a model on each arm - me and my cousin Niko, rulers of the world!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Niko drives Roman to his apartment)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: This is the mansion?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Just a temporary place. The mansion is coming, cousin. That's the dream... follow me.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Niko and Roman enter the apartment)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Come in, come in! Make yourself at home... what's mine is yours!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman stamps on a cockroach)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Got him! Little bastard. If he paid some rent I wouldn't care.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman wipes the cockroach of his shoe)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Oh... shit... oh, that's not nice. Ah, cousin, it's so good to see you! Yeah! Hmm...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman lies down on the bed)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Shit... well, I needed to change anyway... So!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: So...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: So...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: So, you full of crap, or what?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: What?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Where's luxury condo? Where's sports car? Where's Barbara with big titties and Stephanie who sucks like a vacuum?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">'Roman: What you talking about?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: In your letters to my mother, in your letters to me... all I hear about is Mr. Big, Mr. Roman, living the American dream. Sports cars, condos, women, money, the beach... opportunity! I come here, and the only thing big about your life is the cockroaches.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: That's right. I got the best cockroaches, I got the best dirt!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Screw you, you idiot!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Okay, I'm an idiot, but you must admit I have the best line in bullshit you ever heard.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Yeah, this I know. Asshole.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: But here, all I needed was one good guy. One good guy, I could do well. Not take over the world, but do okay. Now, maybe I have this. But what about you? What about you, cousin?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: What? What about me?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Well... why you leave home after all this time? First, I hear you're running around with the wrong kind, then I hear you joined the merchant navy, now you're here. You never tell me anything.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Huh. No.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: What do you mean no?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: No, I never tell you anything. Another time.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Oooh, mystery man... strange and exotic sailor! What happened? Did your captain make you pregnant?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Screw you! No, no, it's nothing like that. The ships were fine. It was before that, two things. You remember, during the war... we did some bad things and bad things happened to us. War is where the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other. I was very young, and very angry. Maybe that is no excuse... Roman? Roman! Are you sleeping, you fat fuck? Come on!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Huh! No! No way! What's the time? Shit... I've got to get the cab back. It's on a shift.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman drinks his coffee but spits it back out)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Oh, Jesus! Tastes like a rat shat in it...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Roman...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Niko, I've got to run, come meet me at the cab office.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: Jesus... what?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: It's easy. Out the door, turn left, then the first left at the diner...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: What are you talking about? I don't...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Go down one block and turn right on Iroquois...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: I'm new here...

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: then walk all the way down and we're right there on the left of the corner of Cisco Street.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Niko: What are you talking about, man?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: It's really flash. We got lots of titties and some incredible motors... Niko. Give me a hug. Good to have you here cousin... I've got something for you.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman's phone rings)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Oh, damn... damn, damn, damn!

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">(Roman answers his phone)

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Yes, Vlad, sorry, forgive me, okay, no... no. Please don't cut my cock off, eh? Oh, okay, bye... yes, no, uh, okay.

Niko exits the car
<p style="margin-top:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: I need to show you our place, come back Niko.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: I thought we were a team? Come back Niko.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: How you going to find your way round the city without me? Come back Niko. Don't be a child.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Cousin, are you running away from me as soon as you get here?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Where you going, cousin? Niko don't be a dick.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: I'm drunk and tired Niko, please drive me home, be a good guy.

Niko re-enters the car
<p style="margin-top:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Did you see everything you wanted to see? Can you drive your cousin home now?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: What'd you do that for? Let's go home. If that is okay with his majesty?

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: And stop with this weird behavior of yours.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: I will show you around more, later.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Oh, you're back. Can we go home now? Please, important sir.

<p style="margin-top:0.5em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:22.4px;color:rgb(37,37,37);font-family:DroidSans,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Roman: Egomaniac!

Guys!
I found Prince!

SHREK IS LOVE,
 * SHREK IS LIFE.

An autobiography by 4Chan

The Care Bears Family has a beaver now.

Ayy lmao



Rats live on no evil star. Try saying that 10 times fast.

f
crawling in my skin


 * 1) WHATEVER A MEAL ONE CAN MAKE WITH A SLOP AND A SLIME

i eat, jon

it's what i do


 * lets drop in on a grommet


 * actually the crowbar snaps in two


 * fool me once im mad

I am incredible

it said it's free to edit by anyone so here's a random gallery

i
k-r-a-b-b-y p-a-t-t-y says

EHUDESUEHUDESUEHUDESUNDONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

error 404 - your computer is super d e d a team of highly trained monkeys has been sent out to fix this problem

sidenote
wikia wouldn't let me add the full ehudesu thing

NEW RULE EVERYONE

YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE HIGHLY TRAINED MONKEES MONKEYS

Hey, kids!
Who likes these guys?

Sophie abandoned KK for Megatoon is awesome

Koolphie (the pairing and not the rude user) is my OTP. Sorry, Prestphie.

There are love triangles and LGBT pairings but who is it?
Wow. Two white girls and one black girl are falling in love in this anime, Bee Shrek Test In The House.

computer over

virus equals very yes

https://vine.co/v/ixUvZPvVtQV

HOMOPHOBIA?! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! HELL NO!

sophie im not gonna date someone who references memes that only hipsters use

Hypocrisy





welcome to my special hell


(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows? Only time And who can say if your love grows As your heart chose? Only time

Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real

I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter

PICKLES

Gallery
[A Barracks OL truck drives into Fort Baxter Air Base. Victor 'Vic' Vance exits the truck and is approached by a drill sergeant] [Cut to Sergeant Jerry Martinez sitting behind the desk in his billet. He is holding a cigar. Vic enters and salutes] VIC: Vic Vance reporting for duty, sir! MARTINEZ: [laughs] Relax, relax. Are you well? VIC: Yes. Thank you, Sergeant. MARTINEZ: Good. In here, you can call me Jerry. VIC: OK. MARTINEZ: OK, "Jerry", huh? [laughs] Now, Vic, tell me. Why did you sign up, huh? To stay out of jail? Because you like getting shouted at, huh? What makes you polish your boots and put bullets in your guns in the hopes that maybe you'll get to           shoot someone, huh? [laughs] VIC: I got a difficult family. I got responsibilities. MARTINEZ: What, kids? A broad giving you shit, huh? VIC: No, brothers. One is real sick - asthma. And I gotta pay the bills. The other, well, maybe he's sick, too, but in a           different way. My mom's a mess. MARTINEZ: So you joined the army to get rich? VIC: Not exactly. But, you know, my dad, he came here from DR. We didn't have a lot of opportunities. What else was I           supposed to do? Why did you join up? MARTINEZ: To get rich! [laughs] VIC: W-why are you messing with me, Sergeant? MARTINEZ: I ain't. Chill. Relax, take a seat. [Vic sits down] MARTINEZ: Look, Vic, there are plenty of opportunities for a man who knows the game to make real money. So...     VIC: I don't want any trouble, man. MARTINEZ: Who wants trouble? Nobody. Everybody wants to relax. No           trouble. And there's plenty of money to be made, nice and easy. [Vic stands up] VIC: Listen, I don't think this is for me. So, if there's           nothing else... MARTINEZ: Hey, relax, huh? Come on, Vic, I need a favour. No risk. VIC: So, why do you need me if there's no risk? MARTINEZ: Because I gotta take registration. Besides, you're not on           duty for a couple of days. Listen, you take my bike, you go           over to the airport and you pick up a package for me, huh? VIC: OK. Just this one favour, and that's it. MARTINEZ: Good. [Vic heads for the door. Before he leaves, he salutes. Martinez laughs] [Cut to Vic and Martinez outside] MARTINEZ: Listen, if plans change, I'll let you know. [Martinez gives Vic a pager] VIC: What's this? MARTINEZ: It's a pager, tough guy. Welcome to the 80's, Vic. [Martinez heads back inside] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets on Martinez's bike and heads to the VIP terminal at the airport] -CUTSCENE- [A man is waiting beside a plane] MAN: Hey, army boy. Jerry sent you, si? VIC: Jerry? Ah, Sergeant Martinez. Sure. MAN: [laughs] Come with me, soldier. I've got something for your boss. [They head down to a jetty where they find a yacht. A bikini-clad woman is on the yacht] VIC: Man, life's been good to you! MAN: Hm-hmmm. Come on, let's take a ride. [They get on the yacht and cruise off] MAN: Here's Jerry's stuff. Tell him my cut goes up next time. Vice City's getting too peligroso for us freelancers. [Two speedboats are heading towards them] MAN: Speaking of which, we've got company! Grab that gun and take them out! [Vic shoots at the boats with an M4. The gunmen fire back, and the yacht catches fire] MAN: Abandon ship! [We see Vic diving out of the yacht before it explodes] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic swims to shore and makes his way back to Fort Baxter. On the way, he gets a pager message from Martinez] MARTINEZ: [pager] Hide the 'stuff' in your barracks man... [When Vic gets back to Fort Baxter, he enters his barracks] 2) Cleaning House (Martinez) -CUTSCENE- [Martinez is on the phone in his billet] MARTINEZ: Sure. No worries. [Vic enters] MARTINEZ: Oh, look, I gotta go. The cavalry just turned up. OK, bye. [Martinez hangs up] MARTINEZ: Corporal, what can I do for you?     VIC: Listen, Jerry, you gotta get rid of that stuff. It's making            me nervous. I'm not into drugs, and I don't-- MARTINEZ: Chill the fuck out, my friend. You're really getting on my            nerves. Besides, who are you gonna get in trouble with? I'm            your superior officer, and you told me you needed the            money.      VIC: I do need the money. MARTINEZ: Uh-huh. But you don't like drugs?      VIC: I don't think they're a good scene.  MARTINEZ: Me neither. But you like guns, huh? They don't give you a            moral problem, I mean?      VIC: No. MARTINEZ: Good, 'cause I know a guy who can sell all the guns we can get him, which is, trust me, quite a lot. VIC: I don't know, Sergeant. This is getting heavy. MARTINEZ: You'll make a whole pile of cash for nothing. Buy that sick brother of yours a whole lot of candy. VIC: What do I have to do? [Martinez snorts some drugs] MARTINEZ: [croaky voice] Nothing. Just go and pick up the... money from him. He's down over by the docks. [Vic heads for the door] MARTINEZ: Hey, Vic, you want some of this, huh? [laughs] [Vic heads out. Martinez snorts the drugs again] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to see Phil Cassidy in Viceport. He enters Phil's shooting range] -CUTSCENE- [Four men are shooting targets with pistols. Phil is shooting targets with an M249. Vic is watching] PHIL: You must be Vic. Jerry told me about you. Hey, I used to be in       the service...  VIC: Yeah, listen, he said you'd have some money for me. PHIL: Sure, sure. Well, I ain't a bank. I don't have it on me, but I'll take you to it. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Phil get in Phil's pickup truck outside. They drive to Phil's old place in Little Havana] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Phil have left the truck. Some Cholos are guarding Phil's old place] PHIL: I've been having trouble with them Cholo boys. Some of them have been-- VIC: What the hell is a Cholo? PHIL: Bunch of Mexican gangbangers. Bad boys; trying to take over all the gunrunning in town. VIC: Look, where's the money, Phil? PHIL: Yeah, well, funny thing, you see, it's like this - it's under the floorboards at my old place. But the Cholo evicted me, and now I can't get to it. VIC: I'll get to it. [Phil gets back in the truck and drives off] VIC: See you around. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic attacks the Cholos] CHOLO: [one phrase] What the fuck is this? [another phrase] I'm gonna kick your ass! [Vic kills all the Cholos outside the building. He then enters the building] -CUTSCENE- [There are two more Cholos inside. One of them is snorting drugs] -END OF CUTSCENE- CHOLO: Cholo kill you good, pendejo! [Vic kills them all] -CUTSCENE- [Vic finds the money] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic takes the money back to Martinez] 3) Conduct Unbecoming (Martinez) -CUTSCENE- [Martinez is watching a Candy Suxxx animal porn film on TV in his billet] MARTINEZ: Hooo! [Vic enters] MARTINEZ: Hey, Victor Vance! Wow, did anyone ever tell you you've got            a really dumb name?      VIC: No, no one's ever mentioned that before. MARTINEZ: Oh, oh, my... Look at that! Hey, is that legal? Can animals            give consent?      VIC: I don't know. Listen, Jerry, can you stash that weed            somewhere else?  MARTINEZ: Weed? What weed? [laughs] I'm shitting with you, come on!            Having fun! Rock and roll!   [Vic says nothing] MARTINEZ: Oh, would you fucking relax, my friend?      VIC: Look, I'm not some idiot that you can just-- MARTINEZ: I never called you an idiot. Oh, sssh, sssh. Look at that.            Ooh, now she got a pig and a horse! Hooowee! [laughs]            That's Candy Suxxx! [laughs] That's some guy's daughter, man. VIC: Listen, Jerry. MARTINEZ: No, you listen, huh? Oh, dude, would you look at that? Man, I gotta get laid. Oh, jeez... Hey, if you weren't such a           square, I'd do you, huh? [laughs] I'm joking, come on! This is the army, not the navy, huh? [laughs] Listen, man, I           need a broad, huh? Oh... I need Mary. Mary, yeah, oh...           [pretends to waltz] Mary, Mary, quite contrary. [laughs and stops waltzing] Oh, come on, man, I need a favour. VIC: I need you to collect your pot, dude. MARTINEZ: Sure. I'll go get that from your quarters, you go get Mary for me, OK? She's over at Viceport. Oh, and go see Phil again. He said something about a gift for you. VIC: I don't trust you, Martinez. MARTINEZ: Hey, that is not an appropriate way to speak to a superior officer! [laughs] Now get on with it. VIC: The reefer is under my bed. MARTINEZ: Oh, genius. Great hiding place. What are you? Fifteen? Hurry up. Oh, hey, and tell Mary I love her! VIC: Fucking idiot. [Vic heads out. Martinez is still watching TV] MARTINEZ: Oh... Woo! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic heads to Phil's old place] -CUTSCENE- [Phil is standing beside a Stinger sports car] PHIL: Hey, Vic, how you doing? Martinez wanted me to give you this. Don't worry; it's non-traceable. VIC: Don't worry? Man, I'm getting too deep into this shit. [Phil heads off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the car and looks around Viceport for Mary. He pulls up next to a girl called Mona] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Do you know Mary? MONA: If you want Mary, she's at a party up on Starfish. I'm heading over there myself. You can give me a lift. [Mona gets in the car] -END OF CUTSCENE- MONA: I'm Mona, by the way. If there's anything I can do for you, or       to you, just let me know. [giggles] [They head to the party on Starfish Island] -CUTSCENE- MONA: Thanks for the ride, rugged fella. Maybe I can pay you back in       kind later? VIC: I just need to find Mary. MONA: Sure. She's right over there. VIC: [to Mary] Are you Mary? [Mary walks up to Vic] VIC: Come on, let's go. MAN: Hey, we've paid for her! She's not going anywhere! VIC: Is that a fact? MAN: Damn right! Come on! Let's get this lowlife nobody, and teach this bitch a lesson, too! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the men, and gets in the car with Mary] MARY: Take it easy, muscles. I've got a delicate disposition. [They start heading back to Fort Baxter] MARY: Did Martinez send you? That cockroach still owes me from last time. [They reach Fort Baxter] -CUTSCENE- [They drive into Fort Baxter. A drill sergeant walks up to the car] SERGEANT: Corporal Vance, would you care to explain why there's           marijuana hidden under your bed? And who the Sam Hell is           this? [Mary exits the car] MARY: Hey, buddy. Listen, I charge more for groups. SERGEANT: [to Vic] You brought a whore onto the base?! Have you no           shame, boy? Are you a moron? Is that it?! [Two soldiers point their guns at the car] SERGEANT: Drugs! Whores! You're out of here, soldier! You're a           disgrace! [Cut to Vic walking out of Fort Baxter, wearing his casual clothes] -END OF CUTSCENE- [He gets a pager message from Phil] PHIL: [pager] I've got work for you - and a place to stay if you need it... [Vic heads to Phil's old place] 4) Cholo Victory (Phil) --- -CUTSCENE- [Vic is looking around Phil's place] VIC: Phil, where are you? [Phil appears behind Vic, armed with a shotgun] VIC: Phil, it's me, Vic! [Phil pokes Vic on the back with the shotgun] PHIL: Put your hands where I can see 'em, boy. You think you can come       here and rob me? Probably try to rape me? I know your kind...  VIC: Phil, it's me, Vic - your brother in arms. PHIL: I'm gonna teach you a lesson. Lower your pants and prepare to        cry. I'm gonna give you a shotgun suppository. [Vic turns around and pushes the shotgun away from him, which makes  Phil fire at the roof. Phil roars with laughter]  VIC: Phil! It's me! Vic! Vic Vance. PHIL: Vic! Why didn't you say so? Good to see you, brother! Come        here. [Phil hugs Vic] PHIL: Let me squeeze a fart out of ya. [Phil lets Vic go] PHIL: I'm sorry about Bruce, man. He was the best.  [Phil swings the gun in Vic's direction] VIC: Hey...! PHIL: I can still see the smile on his face when he shot that little gook. [pretends to fire] Bang! [kicks a can] Go to hell...       Damn...  VIC: Have you been drinking? PHIL: What do you think? Listen, we gotta go. I got something to show you... Come on. Come on. Come on! Now! VIC: Hold on... You're gonna drive? [They head out] [Cut to Vic and Phil in Phil's truck] PHIL: Let's go! Yeee-haaaaa! [Phil drives straight into a wall] VIC: Maybe I should drive, man. [They exit the truck] PHIL: Damn stick-shift! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic is now the driver] PHIL: Vic, we're gonna drive-by on some Cholo. I know right where we       can pick up their trail. I'm just trying to make an honest living, man. But they're organised. I can't compete, man. You know, this used to be a fine country. [They head to the police station in Little Havana] -CUTSCENE- PHIL: Aw, nothing. Felt for sure some Cholos would be here... Those scumbags are always crossing the law. Let's not hang around here, Vic. Cops make me nervous. VIC: I hear you, man. PHIL: Sometimes I schitz out and kill the lot of 'em. Say... I know another place those damn Cholos might be. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They head to the hospital] -CUTSCENE- PHIL: Strike two. Where are they? This could take hours. Good job I       brought a little something to drink. [A Cholo is walking towards the hospital. When he sees the truck, he starts running away] PHIL: Cholo bastard! There he is! Cholo bastard! [The Cholo gets in a Cholo Sabre and speeds off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [They chase the Cholo] PHIL: Goddamn Cholos. Who do they think they are? Messing with me, Phil Bitch-Killer Cassidy?! [They catch up with the Cholo, and Phil performs a drive-by on him. He eventually kills him] PHIL: We're gonna need to get my car fixed up, Vic. Old girl ain't       looking so good. [Vic takes Phil's truck to a Pay 'n' Spray to get it fixed] PHIL: Boy! She's looking like a daisy now! [They head back to Phil's place] -CUTSCENE- [Phil is out of the truck] PHIL: You're a fine wingman, Vic. Damn Cholo will think twice before shitting on my patch from now on. See ya around, partner. See ya 'round. [Phil heads inside] -END OF CUTSCENE- 5) Boomshine Blowout (Phil) --- -CUTSCENE- [Vic enters Phil's place to find a drunken Phil lying on the ground]  VIC: Phil, what's going on? You're a mess. PHIL: I'm not drunk. I'm just resting my eyes.  VIC: OK... So, what's going on? PHIL: My Boomshine's... about to get blown sky high by a bunch of        angry scumbags. Damn it...  VIC: What? PHIL: Them Cholos are gonna blow up my liquor. There's so much of it       at the warehouse, one match'll blow it all the way to        Tennessee. Tennessee, here I come... [coughs]  VIC: Phil, come on. Let's deal with it. PHIL: The thing is, Vicky boy, my daddy was an angry man. He never,        ever told me I was special. In fact, he used to beat me.        Especially when he caught me staring at my cousin or my sister.       You know what he said to me? He said I'd be better off dead...  VIC: And how, exactly, is this helping? [Phil gets to his knees] PHIL: The tragedy of it is, I'm just like him. I'm a drunk. I deserve to die. It should have been me instead of Zack on Hill 491, man. I'm coming hooome, Daddy! [laughs] Yeah, Daddy, I'm coming hoooome! [Phil falls backwards] VIC: You're pathetic. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Phil get in Phil's truck. They head to the warehouse in Little Havana] -CUTSCENE- [Phil exits the truck] PHIL: I could have sworn I locked this place up. [Phil walks up to the warehouse and proceeds to open the door] VIC: Phil, don't open the--! [When the door opens, there is a huge explosion] PHIL: Daddyyyyy! Daddy...! [The warehouse is set alight. Vic and Phil run towards the open door] PHIL: Scheming Cholo bastards booby-trapped my place. Ain't no use running. When that Boomshine blows, we're all gonna die! VIC: Get a grip! I'll get your damn liquor! PHIL: I'll back the truck up to the door. You load her up. [Vic runs inside the warehouse. Phil backs the truck up to the door] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic uses a forklift to load the Boomshine onto the back of Phil's truck. While he works, the fire gets worse] -CUTSCENE- PHIL: I better put these babies in some safe place, huh? [Phil drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- 6) Truck Stop (Phil) -CUTSCENE- [Phil and Martinez are smoking a joint in Phil's place. Vic enters] MARTINEZ: Hey, look who it is! Victor Vance! What's going on, amigo?          You want some smoke?      VIC: Fuck you, Martinez. MARTINEZ: Relax! You're so fucking histrionic. It's like hanging out           with a bitch on her period.      VIC: You want me to fuck you up?! MARTINEZ: Whatever, baby. The thing is, you work for Phil. And Phil -           Phil works for me. Which makes you my bitch's bitch. Figure           that out.     PHIL: [coughs] Man, that shit is heavy. MARTINEZ: [to Vic] So you had better play nice if you wanna get paid,           huh? Because if you don't get paid, [mocking voice] then            who's gonna look after your sick brother?      VIC: Fuck you! MARTINEZ: [laughs] Hey, change the record, baby. Fuck you, fuck you,            fuck you... What did you expect me to do, huh? I didn't          screw you over for fun. I was saving myself, and you would do the same. And don't pretend otherwise! VIC: I had a career! MARTINEZ: So what? You got kicked out of the army... Big deal. Hey, I          told Phil about some guns I can sell, if you can get them, hmmm? [Martinez takes the joint] MARTINEZ: Phil, don't smoke too much of this shit, huh? It'll make you trip out, get paranoid. [Martinez heads out] PHIL: Sure. Later, Jerry. Come on, Vic. [Phil picks up an Uzi] PHIL: This should silence any asshole following me. [Vic and Phil head outside] PHIL: We're gonna need some backup, Vic. I know some guys that'll       help. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They get in a car and start heading to a hotel] PHIL: Are we being followed? We better not be being followed... I'll       rip those bastards' livers right out of their sides. VIC: Chill out, man. There ain't no one following us. [They reach the hotel] -CUTSCENE- [They pull up beside two men at the hotel] PHIL: Hey, fellas, come on! We're gonna make some money! They're good guys, Vic; just always so quiet... Maybe I shouldn't trust 'em. [The guys get in the car] -END OF CUTSCENE- [They go after a truck. Phil and the men gun down the two men on the back of the truck. Vic blocks the truck's path to bring it to a stop] -CUTSCENE- PHIL: [burps] I'm gonna take the truck back to my place. Anyone follows me, you give 'em hell. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Phil is now driving the truck. Vic follows him. Gunmen chase and shoot the truck] MAN: They sent backup! MAN: Incoming! MAN: I'll take care of them, senor. [Vic's allies kill the gunmen] -CUTSCENE- [Phil drives the truck into his place and exits the truck] -END OF CUTSCENE- 7) Shakedown (Marty) -CUTSCENE- [Vic is walking towards Marty J. Williams' trailer at the trailer park] VIC: Hello? Marty? Phil Cassidy sent me. [Louise Cassidy-Williams, Marty's wife, appears at the door. She is  holding a baby called Mary-Beth]    VIC: Oh. Hi. LOUISE: Marty ain't home or nothing.    VIC: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, do you know when he's gonna be back? LOUISE: I don't know nothing. [Marty pulls up nearby] LOUISE: Excuse me. [Louise goes back inside] MARTY: What do you want, boy?   VIC: Nothing. Are you Marty? MARTY: No. Now get gone, boy.  [Marty exits his pickup truck]  MARTY: Bitch! Bitch! Get your sorry ass out here! I thought I told          you to clean this shit up?! [kicks a can] LOUISE: Marty, Mary-Beth's been sick.  MARTY: Don't be using that baby as an excuse, Louise, 'cause I'll          hit her as well as you.    VIC: Are you Louise? I'm a friend of Phil's.  MARTY: A friend of Phil's? Well, why didn't you say so, boy? I'm         Marty J. Williams. VIC: I was too busy watching you threaten your wife. MARTY: Well, we was only playing around, boy. LOUISE: He didn't mean nothing by it. He only hits me when I deserve it. VIC: Oh, yeah? Well, Phil says you guys might have some work for me. I'm Vic Vance. MARTY: Yeah, sure. I got a few things need taking care of right now, as a matter of fact. Drive me. And Louise, you better have this shit cleaned up before I get back. [kicks a can] You got me?! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Marty are in Marty's truck] MARTY: A business interest of mine is having trouble with some idiots that need putting straight. VIC: What business are you in? MARTY: I look after people, and they look after me. Sometimes I have to remind them of their obligations if they don't. But mostly, I just mind my own business. You mind yours, pal. [They drive to a shop] -CUTSCENE- [Two Cholos are guarding the shop] MARTY: OK, we're here. Now get on in there and teach them idiots a        lesson. [Vic exits the truck] VIC: You're not coming? MARTY: Why would I employ a dog then bark myself? Go sick 'em, pal. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the Cholos and enters the shop] -CUTSCENE- [The clerk is being threatened by two Cholos] CLERK: Please... I can't afford to pay any more protection. CHOLO #1: You don't pay - you don't stay. Fuck this place up. [Cholo #2 smashes a display cabinet with his baseball bat. Vic is standing by the shop entrance] CHOLO #2: Who the hell is this hero? -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic attacks the Cholos] CHOLO #1: You gonna be sorry... CHOLO #2: Don't mess with me, ese. [Vic kills them] -CUTSCENE- [Marty enters] MARTY: You've done real good, Vic. CLERK: Marty? He's with you? MARTY: What're you doing letting scum in your store? My protection don't run to no daily visit. Are you hot for me, boy? Is that it? You wanna see my pretty face here every day? CLERK: What? I... No! MARTY: For wasting my time, your protection rate just went up. [Cut to Vic and Marty walking back to the truck] MARTY: Come on, Vic. These Cholo boys normally protect a store nearby. Now it's gonna need new protection. Let's go get it. [They get in the truck] -END OF CUTSCENE- VIC: You're running a protection racket? MARTY: And more besides soon enough. Come on, put the pedal to the metal. Step on it. [They drive to the Cholos' store] -CUTSCENE- [They exit the truck] MARTY: This is it. Let's get in there and bring them into the fold. [Cut to them inside the store] CLERK: But I pay protection to the Cholo! MARTY: I don't see them protecting you any. Vic, get to work. VIC: Marty, this ain't right. MARTY: You wanna get paid - be a man. Or are you all hat and no        cattle? -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic starts smashing up the stock] CLERK: Please, I don't want any trouble. MARTY: That's why you need us. CLERK: [one phrase] For God's sake! [another phrase] Please! CLERK: [one phrase] No, please! [another phrase] This is crazy! [Three Cholos enter the store] CHOLO: [one phrase] This is Cholo turf. [another phrase] Fuck them up! [Vic kills them] CLERK: OK! I'll pay, I'll pay. -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Marty have left the store. Marty is walking towards his truck] MARTY: You've done a man's job today. I might have more work for you. See you around. -END OF CUTSCENE- 8) Fear the Repo (Marty) -CUTSCENE- [Louise is doing aerobics inside Marty's trailer] WOMAN: [on TV] And five, six, seven, eight, and you're the best! [Vic enters] WOMAN: [on TV] Six, seven, eight, you run the world! Yeah! Come on,         and push it! Do you want it? Do you need it? Push it! [Vic and Louise both laugh]    VIC: Hey, Louise. LOUISE: Hey, Vic! How you keeping?    VIC: Better now. LOUISE: Good. [Louise turns off the TV]    VIC: Hey, don't stop. I'm waiting for Marty. LOUISE: No, it's nice to talk to someone. So, Phil said you was in          the service?    VIC: Yeah... But I screwed up. LOUISE: You and me both. [Marty enters]  MARTY: Damn it, woman. If you gonna dress like a whore, I'm gonna         turn you out. LOUISE: I was doing my aerobics, Marty! For crying out loud, gimme a         break.  MARTY: I will. A broken fucking neck. You watch your mouth in my          goddamn house. LOUISE: Sorry. [Mary-Beth starts crying] MARTY: Now look what you gone and done! You imbecile. Jesus, woman. Hey, what's up, Vic Vance? VIC: You said you might have some other work. MARTY: Yeah, yeah, sure. I got some debts people need to start paying. [Mary-Beth continues crying] MARTY: Argh! If you don't shut that brat up, woman, I will! LOUISE: Screw you, Marty! You're nothing but an inbred hillbilly piece of shit! MARTY: You better watch your mouth, tramp, or I'll knock them teeth out. LOUISE: [upset] That's it! I'm taking the baby and I'm going to stay with my sister! MARTY: Good! Go ahead! Go! [to Vic] Fat ass pig sister of hers. I'll hit her and all, too. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Marty head to a lockup] -CUTSCENE- MARTY: Here's a list of shit needs repossessing. I don't think you've       got the stones to get it for me. Prove me wrong... -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic steals the first car] MAN: Hey! Son of a bitch, that's my car! VIC: Don't take it personally, pal. [Vic takes the car to the lockup, and then steals the second car] DRIVER: I paid Marty off weeks ago, man! [Vic takes the car to the lockup, and then steals a delivery van] MAN: What the hell are you doing? [Vic takes the van to the lockup] -CUTSCENE- MARTY: Hank, get that van outta here. VIC: Why do I get the impression none of those debts were genuine? MARTY: Whatever I say's mine is mine. And what I say goes. [Hank, one of Marty's thugs, drives off with the van] MARTY: If you wanna get on 'round here, you'll learn that one, kid. -END OF CUTSCENE- 9) Waking Up the Neighbours (Marty) --- -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Marty are in the trailer park] MARTY: So it seems I got some competition.   VIC: What do you mean? MARTY: Them damn Cholos are trying to muscle in on my repo business.        It's time I sent them a message. [Some grenades are nearby]   VIC: Grenades? MARTY: I just wanna make sure they hear what I have to say. [Marty heads off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic destroys the Cholos' vans] 10) O, Brothel, Where Art Thou? (Marty) --- -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Marty are outside Marty's trailer] MARTY: It's time to diversify my interests, Vince. VIC: Vic. MARTY: Whatever. We're going into the whoring business. We're gonna take over a place up yonder. Once we're in, it's party time! Yessiree, boy! I just got me an itch I need scratching. Shame you're queer, boy. I might have tossed you a bone. VIC: Thanks. But I don't need you tossing my bone. MARTY: Just get up there and clean the damn place out, Vince. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to Stonewall J's and buys a stubby shotgun. He then heads up to the brothel and destroys the Cholo car outside. He kills the Cholos outside and inside the building, and trashes the business assets. The Trailer Park Mafia take over the business] 11) Got Protection? (Marty) --- -CUTSCENE- [Marty and two of his thugs are walking out of Marty's trailer. Vic comes over] MARTY: Oh, here he is! Tough boy! The big man!  THUG: [to Vic] How high can you jump, boy?   VIC: Boy? Oh, you're pretty tough, you inbred piece of white trash.        Why don't you come down here and ask me that again, huh?  THUG: I ain't scared of you.   VIC: Oh, yeah? Then why is your voice cracking... boy? MARTY: Alright, alright, enough. Will you stop disturbing the goddamn        neighbours with this bullshit? I pay you to help me, not to        argue. You hear?   VIC: Loud and clear... boss. MARTY: Good. Now, we got some problems with them Cholos. They been        threatening my girls. I want you to teach them some respect. [Vic heads off] MARTY: Anyway, I told 'em, you bring her over to me. I don't care if        she's fourteen; I like her boobs. [They all laugh] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic heads up to Marty's brothel] -CUTSCENE- [A Cholo car drives past the brothel. The passenger fires at Vic] CHOLO: You start with us, we gonna finish you! All you street-walkers are gonna die! [The car behind Vic gets hit and explodes] CHOLO: No one messes with the Cholo! [The Cholos drive off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [The Cholos are attacking three of Marty's girls. Vic rescues the one north of the brothel] VIC: Over here! Quick! [Vic rescues the girl southwest of the brothel] VIC: Come on! Let's go. [Vic rescues the girl southeast of the brothel] VIC: Let's get you out of here! This is no place for a lady. [Vic takes the girls back to the brothel] -CUTSCENE- GIRL: That was fun! Baby, you're incredible. VIC: Just glad to be of service, ladies. Take it easy, girls. Look after yourselves out there. [The girls head inside] -END OF CUTSCENE- Note: When you rescue the first girl, she will say, "Relax. We've got more than rubbers for protection." 12) Marked Men (Phil) - -CUTSCENE- [Phil and Martinez are at Phil's place] MARTINEZ: Phil, baby, would I screw you over?    PHIL: Yeah, you would. MARTINEZ: Bullshit. I wouldn't. Not to you. Not to a brother in arms.           Come on, give me a hug... [Phil gives Martinez a hug] MARTINEZ: Screw you over... [Vic has arrived]      VIC: Nah, you'd never screw anyone over, would you? MARTINEZ: Oh, look who it is! St Victor of Vance! The holier than            thou killer. All these principles, you go around shooting            people! [laughs]      VIC: I do what I gotta do...  MARTINEZ: Ooh...      VIC: After I trusted an asshole. MARTINEZ: You enjoyed it, brother. Admit it, 'cause you're a maniac,           huh? Heh. I gave you a life.      VIC: Go to hell, Martinez. MARTINEZ: Uh-huh. See, Phil, I saved Vic. And I can save you, too,            huh?      VIC: [to Phil] What does this scumbag want? PHIL: He wants me to go over to some warehouse and see if his merchandise is all there. That's all. MARTINEZ: Hey, it's cool. Go with him, Vicky Boy, if you don't trust me. But Phil, you owe me, after what you said. PHIL: You said that was forgotten. MARTINEZ: If you do this. [Martinez heads off] PHIL: I'll explain as we drive, Vic. It's time for me to get another drink. [Cut to Vic and Phil walking towards Phil's truck] VIC: What was that about? You've "got to go"? PHIL: Aw... I got drunk... and told Martinez I didn't trust him no       more. I said he was an asshole. VIC: He IS an asshole! PHIL: No, I am. 'Cause now he won't put any work my way until I do      trust him. Let's get this over with. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Phil are in Phil's truck. They start heading to the warehouse] PHIL: Drive easy, Vic. The last of my Boomshine is in the back of the truck. I'm through with that demon drink. Hallelujah! It's a       sober life for me, bud. Sober. S.O.B.E.R. [They reach the warehouse] -CUTSCENE- [Three thugs are waiting for them at the warehouse] PHIL: Who the hell are these guys? [Phil exits the truck] PHIL: Hey, fellas, Martinez said-- [The men point their guns at Vic and Phil] THUG: Yeah, Martinez said, "Bye-bye!" PHIL: Hot damn! Play fair, fellas! [Phil gets in the back of his truck] PHIL: What about the damn Geneva Convention? -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills Martinez's men. He and Phil start heading back to Phil's place. Martinez's men start chasing them] VIC: For fuck's sake, Phil, do something! PHIL: Hey! My Boomshine! This round's on daddy, assholes! [Phil throws Molotov cocktails at the chasing cars. He and Vic reach Phil's place safely] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Phil have exited the truck] VIC: I think we've both outgrown our usefulness to Martinez. PHIL: Jerry wants us dead? Shitting asshole. I'm gonna lay low for a      while. I reckon you should, too. [Phil gets in the truck] VIC: Screw that. I ain't hiding from that piece of shit. PHIL: Remember, discretion's the better part of valour. Good luck, soldier. [Phil drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- 13) When Funday Comes (Louise) -- -CUTSCENE- [Louise is feeding Mary-Beth in Mary-Jo Cassidy's apartment. Vic enters]    VIC: Hey, Louise. LOUISE: Hey, Vic. How are you?    VIC: Eh, getting better. LOUISE: Well, alright.    VIC: [to Mary-Beth] Hey there. [chuckles] LOUISE: You deserve good things, honey.    VIC: Eh, maybe. LOUISE: Better than this shit.    VIC: Hey, come on... What's wrong? LOUISE: Nothing... [pause] Everything... It's bullshit. I mean, I'm a         fucking mess. Didn't finish high school, got a kid by a          goddamn prick, living on my sister's couch. No hope.    VIC: Come on, you're just going through a bad time right now.          Things'll improve. You'll see. LOUISE: [upset] Show me a way out. Just show me a fucking way out.    VIC: I don't know. Look at it this way. I've been kicked out of          the military. Now I'm working with jerks, robbing people, all to pay for my brother's medical bills, while my mother freebases half the money I send anyhow. I am not the one to         ask for advice. LOUISE: [chuckles] Look at us. What a pair. [They both chuckle] VIC: Pathetic, huh? LOUISE: Worse than pathetic! [They both chuckle again] VIC: Hey, you wanna go out? Maybe... get some fresh air? Have some fun? LOUISE: Sure. Sounds good. Say, Phil said there was a quad bike race at the trailer park. VIC: There you go! Hey, great. Quad bikes and moonshine. Let's go. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise have left Mary-Jo's apartment] VIC: Will the baby be OK back at your sister's? LOUISE: Sure. She'll be just fine. I'm looking forward to having me         some fun! [They head to the quad bike race at the trailer park] -CUTSCENE- [Two men are on quad bikes. Vic and Louise get on the other two bikes] LOUISE: Good luck, Vic... You'll need it! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic wins the race] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise are off their bikes] LOUISE: That was great! I had the best time! VIC: Glad to hear it, Louise. Look... er, I'm a little worried about your baby. LOUISE: Oh, Mary-Beth? She'll be fine... but maybe I'd better get back. VIC: Wait up. I'll take you. LOUISE: That's OK. Will you call on me sometime, Vic Vance? [Louise heads off] -END OF CUTSCENE- 14) Takin' Out the White Trash (Louise) --- -CUTSCENE- [Louise is crying in Mary-Jo's apartment. Vic enters]   VIC: Hey... stop that. LOUISE: Sorry. It's... It's nothing. I'm... just tired.    VIC: Doesn't look like nothing. What's wrong? LOUISE: I left some of her things back at Marty's. Everything I do is         wrong. I can't even run away right.    VIC: Look, it's not such a big deal. We'll just head over to          Marty's and go get 'em. LOUISE: But what about Marty?    VIC: Well, what about him? [Louise gets up] LOUISE: Thanks, Vic. You're something else. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They head over to the trailer park] -CUTSCENE- [Four of Marty's thugs are walking towards Vic and Louise. One of  them is holding a baseball bat] LOUISE: I don't like the look of these guys.    VIC: Aren't they the guys from the quad bike race?   THUG: So you cheats have shown your ugly, bitch-ass faces.  LOUISE: If Marty heard you talking to me like that...   THUG: Marty? Marty said the next time he saw you he'd turn you out. VIC: Back off, white trash. THUG: White trash? You wanna do this, bitch boy? -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise kill Marty's guys] -CUTSCENE- LOUISE: I'll get my baby's things. VIC: You should have just bought new. [Louise quickly goes inside Marty's trailer and comes back out again] LOUISE: I will. I just found Marty's wallet inside. I'm going shopping! That asshole owes me. -END OF CUTSCENE- VIC: Marty ain't gonna be too happy when he finds out you ripped him off. LOUISE: [laughs] Like I give a shit! [They head back to Mary-Jo's apartment] -CUTSCENE- LOUISE: Vic Vance, I never knew I could have such a good time. VIC: A great time? Oh, yeah, we had a riot. LOUISE: And you were great! Well, I better get on inside. See you later. [Louise goes inside] -END OF CUTSCENE- 15) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. (Louise) --- -CUTSCENE- [An anxious Mary-Jo is looking out the window in her apartment. Vic enters] MARY-JO: Who... Who the fuck are you?     VIC: Where's Louise? MARY-JO: What? He took her! That... That animal, he took her! He's           gonna do something wicked to her!     VIC: Wait, who took her? And who are you? MARY-JO: Mary-Jo, her sister. Who are you?     VIC: Vic, a friend. MARY-JO: Oh... It's... It's nice to meet you. I've... I've heard a           lot about you.     VIC: Who took her? MARY-JO: That monster, Marty! He said he's gonna turn her out!     VIC: Jesus... His own wife. [Vic heads out] MARY-JO: Yeah... Yeah, but he wanted to turn me out, too! I promise          you, he did! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic heads to the trailer park] -CUTSCENE- LOUISE: I ain't gonna be your whore, Marty!  MARTY: You've been whoring yourself on that Vic! Don't you deny it! Well, if you're gonna act like a whore, you're gonna be one! Get in that truck! [Vic goes to the side of the trailer. Marty nearly runs him over] VIC: Shit! LOUISE: Vic, help! [Marty drives off with Louise. Two of his thugs appear behind Vic. One is them is armed with a baseball bat, and the other is armed with a pistol] THUG: You looking for trouble... Vince? -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic chases Marty] LOUISE: Help! Vic! LOUISE: Let me go, Marty, you asshole! MARTY: You're gonna earn your keep, girl! And you're gonna like it! [Vic kills Marty and gets in the truck] -CUTSCENE- LOUISE: I can't believe you killed him. How am I gonna look after my        baby now? VIC: You what? Marty was an asshole. He treated you worse than shit. LOUISE: I'm sorry. I just... Hey, look, Marty's kin are gonna be         coming for you now. We better get you some place safe. -END OF CUTSCENE- VIC: I can handle Marty's kin, Louise. LOUISE: I just want to make sure you're safe, that's all. [They drive to the safe house in Little Haiti] -CUTSCENE- [They have left the truck] VIC: Look, you and Mary-Beth are gonna be better off without Marty, you know? LOUISE: Are we? It's just everything's changing so fast. VIC: Everything's gonna be fine... [Louise gets back in the truck] LOUISE: You're OK, Vic Vance. [She drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- 16) To Victor, the Spoils (Louise) -- -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise are in Mary-Jo's apartment] LOUISE: I've been thinking over what you said about me and the baby         being better off without Marty, and... I've got a plan. Why          don't YOU take over Marty's business?    VIC: I'm no gang boss. LOUISE: No... but you could be. Come on, we both need the cash,          honey. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise are outside the apartment] LOUISE: First, we need to get some guys together. [They head to Sunshine Autos where they find the guys] LOUISE: Hey, wanna make some money? [They recruit the guys into their group. They all head to Marty's  loan shark office] -CUTSCENE- LOUISE: I'll go find some more guys and see you at Marty's other         place. [Louise heads off] VIC: This shouldn't be too tough. Come on, guys. [They approach the office] -END OF CUTSCENE- [They kill the guards and head to Marty's protection racket site. There, they kill the guards outside and inside the building to take over the site] -CUTSCENE- [Louise arrives] LOUISE: You did it, Vic. The whole damn caboodle's yours! VIC: [chuckles] Yeah, but I don't know how to run this kind of         thing. LOUISE: Marty could do it, and he was nearly inbred! You'll pick it        up! You're amazing! You can do anything! GOON: Hey, boss, is this a full-time position? [Pause] VIC: Yeah. Yeah, it is. LOUISE: Everything's gonna be just fine! [Louise heads off] -END OF CUTSCENE- 17) Jive Drive (Lance) -- -CUTSCENE- [Outside the airport terminal, Vic is standing beside a red Stinger sports car. A couple walks past him. Lance Vance, Vic's brother,  appears next to him] LANCE: Hey, bro! [laughs]   VIC: Lance! What are you doing here? LANCE: You don't sound so pleased!   VIC: I'm not so pleased. LANCE: Thanks, bro. What was you expecting? What a greeting, man...   VIC: Not you. Someone useful. LANCE: So what am I? A handicap, huh? Your dumbass, lowlife, no good        brother?   VIC: Something like that. LANCE: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who got kicked out of the army.   VIC: No, you're the asshole who got kicked out of the boy scouts. LANCE: Oh, come on, man. I come all this way to see you and you treat        me like I've got herpes.   VIC: Maybe that's because your whole life, you've gotten us into         trouble. LANCE: Oh, gimme a break, man! I've changed! [Pause] VIC: OK. I'll give you a chance. One chance. LANCE: Yeah, yeah! Hey, come here, man... [Lance gives Vic a hug] LANCE: You won't regret it, baby... I love you, man; and love can change the world. But, Vic...  VIC: What? LANCE: I have got herpes. VIC: Get off me, man. Just get in the damn car! LANCE: [laughs] I was just kidding. [Cut to Vic and Lance in the car. Lance is in the driver's seat. A Cholo car pulls up in front of them, and two Cholos exit it] CHOLO: All the Cholos have been looking for you, Mr. Big Shot. LANCE: What do you want with me?! CHOLO: I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to him! You killed plenty Cholos. Now, we kill you plenty! -END OF CUTSCENE- VIC: Get us out of here, Lance! [Vic shoots at the Cholos while Lance drives] LANCE: Is this your idea of a welcome party? VIC: Come on, move it! LANCE: W-wait, where in the hell am I going, man? [They drive towards a ramp] VIC: Hey, watch the road! -CUTSCENE- [They drive up the ramp. The car flies over a wall] VIC and LANCE: Ooooh, shiiiiit! [The car lands at the other side of the wall] -END OF CUTSCENE- LANCE: I'm just too pretty to die! [laughs] Woo! [More Cholos are up ahead] LANCE: Look out, Vic! There's more of them! LANCE: Do you have any friends in this town?! LANCE: Shit! They're everywhere! [Eventually, they drive towards another ramp] LANCE: One more Lance Vance Chance! -CUTSCENE- [They drive up the ramp. The car flies over a building] VIC: Laaaaance! You prick! [Cut to Vic and Lance walking away from the burning car] VIC: You're never driving again. LANCE: I had it with you, man. You put me off. You always treat me        like a kid. [A Cholo car appears behind them. Two Cholos get out. The sports car explodes] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance kill the attacking Cholos] LANCE: I'd appreciate a ride to my hotel. [Vic takes Lance to his hotel in Downtown] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Impressive! This place ain't cheap. LANCE: [laughs] I wouldn't know. I told them to bill you. [Lance goes inside] -END OF CUTSCENE- 18) Hose the Hoes (Louise) -- -CUTSCENE- [Vic is using the intercom at Mary-Jo's apartment to speak to Louise from outside]    VIC: Hey, Louise, it's me! LOUISE: Vic! Thank God you're here. I just heard your cathouse is          going up in flames! Are the girls OK?    VIC: Did Marty's inbred family do this? LOUISE: I'll be right down. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Louise is now outside]    VIC: Did you call the fire department? LOUISE: Don't worry. I know where we can get a fire truck. [They steal a fire truck and head to Vic's burning brothel. Vic uses  the water cannon to put out the fire] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise have left the fire truck. Louise spots Marty's cousin  across the street] LOUISE: That's Marty's cousin! He did it, Vic! Get him! Bastard's got         six toes.     VIC: Hey, you! [Marty's cousin starts running away. Vic chases him] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills him] 19) Robbing the Cradle (Louise) --- -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Louise are in Mary-Jo's apartment. Louise isn't very happy] LOUISE: Vic, welfare said I was a bad mother. Their man said he was gonna take Mary-Beth off me unless I put out for him. But I'll show him. I've got a couple of guys to take care of him. VIC: What?! Killing him is gonna make things worse! When's this happening? LOUISE: Well... kinda right now. Did I do wrong? How was I to know better? [Vic heads out] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic catches up with the thugs who are chasing and shooting at the welfare man] WELFARE MAN: Somebody help! [Vic kills the thugs and tries warning off the welfare man] VIC: File that in your report! Leave Louise Williams alone, pal, or     you and I are gonna become close friends! [Vic eventually warns him off] WELFARE MAN: OK, OK! She's white trash anyway! 20) Nice Package (Umberto) -- -CUTSCENE- [Vic enters Umberto Robina's house. Umberto is sitting on the sofa]    VIC: Hey, you Umberto? UMBERTO: Did somebody order a stripper?     VIC: Excuse me? UMBERTO: Because I like my bitches a bit less balding.     VIC: What? [Vic points a pistol at Umberto's face]     VIC: Are you a comedian, friend? Hmmm? UMBERTO: [laughing] No, no... I'm a man, just like you.      VIC: Uh-huh... UMBERTO: Umberto Robina. You must be Vance. [Umberto pushes the gun out of his face]     VIC: Yeah, that's right. So you heard about Marty. UMBERTO: Yeah. [laughs] I heard about that dumb punk. Came to an          unfortunate end, huh? [laughs] Bitch fight! I like that,           huh? Two bitches going at it, hot and sweaty... Bang, bang,          bang! [laughs]     VIC: Yeah, whatever you're into, man. UMBERTO: Hey, I'm into men! Men proving themselves!     VIC: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds fun. Look, you worked for Marty for years. So in between men, can I rely on you? UMBERTO: Sure, pappy. [laughs] If you can prove to me you got some balls! [Cut to Vic and Umberto outside] UMBERTO: I've got a package waiting for collection Downtown. Go get it for me, if you can. VIC: I'm not your delivery man, friend. [Vic gets in a car with Juan, one of Umberto's guys] UMBERTO: Until I know you got some balls, and some juice in them, there'll be no alliance between us. Juan will go with you. He'll tell me if you've got something down there. [Some other Cuban gangsters get in their cars. They want the package, too] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic retrieves the package and takes it to the drop-off in Viceport] -CUTSCENE- [Umberto is waiting at the drop-off in a car] UMBERTO: Gracias, Vic! [laughs] I kiss you! VIC: Whoa! Not today. -END OF CUTSCENE- 21) Balls (Umberto) --- -CUTSCENE- [Umberto and a welfare woman are in Umberto's house] UMBERTO: You got some Cuban in you? You look like you got some Cuban         in you, lady.   WOMAN: Er, no... I'm from Ohio.  UMBERTO: [chuckles] You want some Cuban in you, lady?   WOMAN: No. Like I told you, I'm a lesbian on a committed journey           with my life partner. Now, Mr. Robina, about your father's          welfare claim... UMBERTO: Oh, whatever, man... [Vic has entered. Umberto approaches him] UMBERTO: [chuckles] Vic, I tell you, this bitch is crazy for me. Can          you smell it? [The woman is sighing]     VIC: She's going wild. UMBERTO: [chuckles] Always the same... Listen, we got a problem, huh?          Your boy, Jerry; he's causing all sorts of trouble.     VIC: Martinez? Goddamn it!   WOMAN: Er, Mr. Robina, must I remind you, I am a very busy woman. UMBERTO: Eh, baby... mira, listen, you keep your panties on, OK? I          got some serious man-shit to deal with, with my buddy. Why don't you just stay down, stay pretty? Don't worry, uh? I'll         be back with some serious chorizo. Uh, you got a friend for my buddy? He's a little bit shy. WOMAN: [sighs] Oh, my... UMBERTO: Whatever. Vic, let's roll! [Vic and Umberto head out. Outside, two Cubans walk up to them] UMBERTO: Show these boys how to be men, and take back our streets from these bitch Cholos. I have my own bitch to deal with, inside. VIC: You're not coming? UMBERTO: I will be soon... but not with you, my friend! [laughs] I'm         hot, baby! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and the Cubans kill the troublemaking Cholos. Vic then takes the Cubans back to Umberto's house] 22) Papi Don't Screech (Umberto) -CUTSCENE- [Umberto and two Cubans are in Umberto's house. Umberto is crying] UMBERTO: [to Cuban #1] You even got any balls? CUBAN #1: I didn't know!  UMBERTO: [to Cuban #2] And you, I've seen shit with more guts! CUBAN #2: You didn't say your father was going.  UMBERTO: Shut your mouth, lady boy! He's my daddy, and I love him! I           can't believe you would do this! And you left him there to           die! [Vic enters]     VIC: Umberto, what's the problem? UMBERTO: Oh, my God, I'm going to be an orphan! [Umberto continues crying]      VIC: Oh, man... I'm sorry. How did it happen? CUBAN #1: It hasn't happened, brother. Alberto - that's his dad -            he's over at the wrestling, man.      VIC: So why the tears? CUBAN #1: We just saw some Cholos driving over there, man.      VIC: So why doesn't somebody just go pick up Alberto? CUBAN #2: That's what we said to Umberto. Only he freaked out. VIC: Well, go get him. UMBERTO: No. No way, Vic. Don't let my daddy be collected by these two bitches! He's a man. The shame would kill him. VIC: Well, you go! UMBERTO: I can't drive, man! I'm hysterical! [Umberto continues crying] VIC: Goddamn it. I'll go get him... But you owe me, you freak. [Vic heads out] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in Umberto's car and goes to pick up Alberto from the stadium] -CUTSCENE- [Alberto Robina is leaving the stadium] VIC: Hey, Alberto? Your son sent me to pick you up. ALBERTO: Gracias, senor. You're late... Tarde. [Alberto gets in the car] ALBERTO: I can't be late opening my cafe. In twenty years, I have never opened late. VIC: Take it easy, Alberto. No problems. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic takes Alberto to his cafe] -CUTSCENE- [Alberto exits the car] ALBERTO: Phew... All this rushing... My heart, she's not so good these days. [Alberto enters the cafe] -END OF CUTSCENE- 23) Havana Good Time (Umberto) -- -CUTSCENE- [Umberto is talking to four Cubans in his house] UMBERTO: So I ask you once more, are you men? CUBANS: Yeah! UMBERTO: Then why you not like balls? [Vic enters] CUBAN #1: Because that's totally embarrassing...  UMBERTO: Because that's something you ain't got, baby! I got a whole           sack full here! Tons of them! Balls everywhere! Balls to            spare! CUBAN #2: [to Vic] Well, man, he's certainly full of balls. [The Cubans laugh]  UMBERTO: You what, baby? You whispering sweet nothings into some            bitch's ear? Huh, lover boy? CUBAN #2: No, boss.  UMBERTO: Victor Vance. This is a real man, with a lotta balls!            You're not scared of no Cholos, are you, Vic?      VIC: You know I ain't scared of nobody.  UMBERTO: So show 'em your balls.      VIC: No. I was in the army, not the navy. [The Cubans laugh]  UMBERTO: Screw you bitches! VIC: [laughs] Come on, man. I'm just messing with you. UMBERTO: Someone's gotta teach these Cholos a lesson. I guess I have to go... alone. CUBAN #1: Umberto, boss, I'm up for anything, man. I just don't want to have to take my balls out again. CUBAN #3: Yeah, can't we just go hit shit up and keep our pants on? CUBAN #2: Yeah, let's roll. [The Cubans start heading out] UMBERTO: [laughs] See, Vic? They didn't want to go and now they've          gone. The art of leadership, my friend, is making people believe they had the idea all along. [Vic laughs] [Cut to Vic, Umberto and the Cubans outside. The Cubans get into vans] UMBERTO: My men are going to collect a little gift for the Cholo. They'll meet up with you after. VIC: After what? [The Cubans drive off] UMBERTO: After you've cleared the way for us. Then we can hit the Cholos hard and take their guns! I'll coordinate the attack from here. VIC: Sure, big man... We really need a coordinator back here... -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the Cholos guarding the warehouse] -CUTSCENE- [The Cubans' vans drive inside the warehouse] CUBAN: I said we're gonna need some protection while we're loading up, man. VIC: I've got your backs. CUBAN: [laughs] Do you like our gift for the Cholo, man? [Hanging from the ceiling is a pinata of Umberto with his middle finger sticking up] VIC: Very tasteful. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic holds off the Cholos while the Cubans load the guns into their vans] -CUTSCENE- [The Cubans are back in one of their vans] CUBAN: We've got what we came for. We're gonna go back now, OK? [The Cubans drive off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the other van and drives back to Umberto's house] -CUTSCENE- [Vic has exited the van] UMBERTO: [laughs] My friend, today is a good day! [Some Cholos are looking at the pinata in the warehouse] UMBERTO: We've turned the tide in Little Havana. The Cholos are finished! [A Cholo hits the pinata with his baseball bat. The whole warehouse explodes. A Cholo runs out of the warehouse on fire. He drops down dead] [Cut back to Umberto's house] UMBERTO: Umberto Robina says you are a true friend. You can count on         me for anything. I love you, man! Like a son, or a dog... -END OF CUTSCENE- 24) The Audition (Lance) -CUTSCENE- [Vic enters Lance's hotel to find Lance on the sofa, talking to someone on his mobile phone] LANCE: I am Lance Vance, baby. You can trust me. Lance T. Vance - 'T'         for Trust. Great. Yeah, love. I love you, man! No, not in a        funny way. Yeah. A'ight. Ciao.  [Lance hangs up]   VIC: What was that? LANCE: Nothing.    VIC: Didn't sound like nothing. LANCE: Vic, look at me - it was nothing.   VIC: And you look at me - what was that about? [Lance gets up] LANCE: You'll thank me.   VIC: Like I haven't heard that before. What have you done? LANCE: I found a way in; two kids, broken home, no education, no        father...   VIC: What? LANCE: ...and rich as shit. It's the American dream, baby! Pete with        good medical treatment.         VIC: Look, we're not kids. LANCE: We're young at heart. Listen, I met a big player, and we'll         get big money for doing absolutely nothing...   VIC: This better not be drugs. LANCE: We won't be touching no drugs, man. Come on. You know, I'm        your brother. You can trust me. [Cut to Vic and Lance outside] VIC: So who is this "player"? LANCE: My man's name is Forbes. He's gonna call us at the burger bar any minute now, so let's get down there pronto. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance are in a Cheetah sports car. They drive to the King Knut's burger bar just down the road] -CUTSCENE- [They exit the car] [Cut to them inside the bar. Lance is using the payphone] LANCE: So merchandise is hidden in the car's side panels? Ah, yeah...        No problem. [End of call] LANCE: OK, we're gonna pick up Forbes' car. VIC: That's it? No drugs? Some "player". LANCE: Man, give me a break! There's no winning with you. [Three armed robbers have entered the bar] LANCE: Aw, shit! You've gotta be kidding me. ROBBER: OK, nobody move! Come on! Hands where I can see 'em! Do it! [Everyone puts their hands up. A customer runs for the door, but a robber kills him] ROBBER: I said nobody fucking move! -END OF CUTSCENE- LANCE: Vic, come on! [Vic and Lance shoot past the robbers and leave the bar] -CUTSCENE- [Cops are waiting for them outside] LANCE: Man, that's just typical! They think we did it? This is        bullshit! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance head to the Port Authority Building] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: Forbes' car is in the impound yard. VIC: So what are we doing here? LANCE: We're going in the back door. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They steal a motorbike and ride up the staircase to get to the roof. They ride over a ramp to jump the gap between the two buildings. They then enter the impound yard and enter Forbes' car] LANCE: Come on, let's get the car out of here. VIC: I don't get it. How is stealing one dumb car gonna make us        rich? LANCE: I've got everything covered, man. VIC: Are there drugs hidden in the car? LANCE: Just chill, man... Be cool. [They use a ramp to exit the yard] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: Great driving, Vic. But, um... it's best if I take it from here. [Vic exits the car] VIC: Hey, hey, what're you doing? LANCE: Forbes doesn't know you, man. He wouldn't trust you. See ya        later, baby. [Lance drives off] VIC: Lance! You asshole! -END OF CUTSCENE- 25) Money for Nothing (Forbes) -- -CUTSCENE- [Lance and Bryan Forbes are talking in Forbes' apartment] FORBES: 'Course, you can't kid a kidder. [Lance laughs. Vic enters] FORBES: Hey, Vic!   VIC: Hey.  LANCE: Yo, bro, wassup? [laughs] FORBES: So, Vic, you wanna hear about a little plan that is going to         make us three very rich?  LANCE: Very rich.    VIC: So what's the risk? FORBES: Well, let me put it like this: you will not be handling any         drugs. All I need you to do is keep the cops busy while Lance         and I steal some merch' off the scum who brought it into this         country.   LANCE: The drugs are already here, so we ain't drug trafficking. FORBES: Exactly! You're just the decoy. All you gotta do is make the         police THINK you're carrying. They can't arrest you for that.    VIC: No, but they can shoot me. FORBES: Don't be ridiculous!   LANCE: Yeah. Come on, man! Come on. FORBES: Vic, you'll be fine! Rich and fine. VIC: Alright, let's do it. LANCE: Yeah! Let's pop! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic, Lance and Forbes get in the decoy van and drive to the warehouse in Little Haiti] -CUTSCENE- [Vic drives the van inside the warehouse. Two cops are watching from a nearby rooftop. Inside the warehouse is another van, but it is blue] LANCE: This is gonna be the decoy van. Come on, Vic, you drive. VIC: This van's the wrong colour, Forbes. FORBES: Relax. It's nothing a little paint can't fix. [The decoy van's colour has been changed to blue] LANCE: This van is good to Van Gogh! [laughs] FORBES: Yeah, funny... Vic, take the decoy and lead the cops away from here. We'll let you know when we're home free. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Lance and Forbes are in the other van. Vic enters the decoy van and drives south, away from the warehouse. He starts getting chased by the police] LANCE: [on radio] Breaker - Breaker. What's your twenty? VIC: For Christ-sake's Lance, speak English. LANCE: [on radio] Uh, yeah... We're on our way. Keep the cops busy. [Vic keeps the cops busy while Lance and Forbes make their way to their destination] LANCE: [on radio] [one phrase] We're nearly there. Just a little longer. [another phrase] Hey, Bryan, can we stop for a burger? [Lance and Forbes eventually reach their destination] LANCE: [to radio] We're there! Ten-Ten, let's do it again, big cowboy. Lose the smokey, Vic. You're all done. [Vic loses the police] 26) Caught as an Act (Lance) -CUTSCENE- [Vic meets up with Forbes outside the stadium] FORBES: Victor V, what's popping, partner?   VIC: What? FORBES: What's popping?     VIC: What the fuck are you talking about? FORBES: Isn't that what you guys say? "What's popping?"    VIC: I think that must be Lance. [Vic looks past Forbes] FORBES: What?    VIC: You got everything sorted? No trouble? FORBES: 'Course. Hey, I was just giving you shit, you know?    VIC: Yeah. Whatever. FORBES: Great, great. Here's your brother... [Lance is walking towards them. He is hiding a pistol behind his  back] FORBES: What's popping, baby?  LANCE: You!    VIC: Lance, what's going on? [Lance points the gun at Forbes' face]  LANCE: You're a freaking cop! You think you can mess with Lance T.         Vance, you punk?! FORBES: Hey, chill...  LANCE: Chill?!  [Lance fires a warning shot] FORBES: Yes. You're right. I am a cop. I was gonna tell you. I need money. I wanna work with you guys. I ain't gonna bust you. LANCE: Not now, you ain't. I'm gonna bust you! [Forbes punches Lance in the face and starts running away] VIC: Let's go! LANCE: I am going! [Vic and Lance run after Forbes] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Forbes is trying to escape in a car] LANCE: Get him, Vic. We gotta find out what he knows. [Vic and Lance steal a car and ram Forbes' car. Their money starts pouring out of the boot] LANCE: Aw, man, that's our money! Get him! VIC: What the hell is our money doing in there? LANCE: You never know when you're gonna need a few grand... [Vic drags Forbes out of his car] LANCE: I got a place we can take him. Come on. -CUTSCENE- [Forbes is tied to a chair inside a derelict building in Little Haiti. A bag is over his head] VIC: I don't know about this, Lance. LANCE: It's either this, or kill him. What do you think, Forbes? FORBES: Uh, I definitely prefer it this way. LANCE: We'll let him sweat for a while. We'll be back. You sit tight, buddy. -END OF CUTSCENE- 27) Leap and Bound (Forbes) --- -CUTSCENE- [Lance is interrogating Forbes in the building] FORBES: So you want information. And what better source than a cop,         right? [Vic enters]  LANCE: Hey, Vic, see? Great minds think alike. FORBES: Yeah, fools seldom differ, dip shit. You want info? How about         this? There's a dealer's boat mooring up Downtown today. The         dealer's not the trusting kind, and he'll only meet one-on-         one. He's carrying money and coke, and he doesn't believe in         bodyguards.     VIC: Why should we trust you? FORBES: If I'm lying, genius, I'm a dead man, right?  LANCE: I'll meet this guy, Vic. You can watch over me, and I'll see         you down there. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic finds a good vantage point to watch over Lance] -CUTSCENE- [The dealer is waiting on the pier. Lance exits his car] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic uses binoculars to keep an eye on Lance. During the deal, the dealer starts beating up Lance. Vic heads down to the pier] -CUTSCENE- [The dealer drags an unconscious Lance onto his speedboat. He speeds off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic chases the boat] -CUTSCENE- [The boat pulls up behind a ship in Viceport] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic enters the ship and finds Lance tied to a chair] -CUTSCENE- [Vic is untying Lance] VIC: I thought this guy didn't use bodyguards? LANCE: Forbes' info is seriously out of date. I'll get us some transport, you get what we came for, and I'll meet you on       shore. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic collects the contraband and meets Lance on shore] -CUTSCENE- [Lance is in a Perennial estate car. Vic has finished loading the stuff into the car] LANCE: Hey! Make sure that no one can see it back there. VIC: [sarcastically] Nice wheels... LANCE: I was in a hurry! The sooner I offload this coke, the better. This junk heap ain't doing my image any favours. Hey, catch you later, bro. [Lance drives off] VIC: Hey! Don't mind me, dick! -END OF CUTSCENE- 28) The Bum Deal (Forbes) - -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance are interrogating Forbes in the building] LANCE: I know there's a major shipment coming in real soon. I've         been to your apartment and I've read your files... FORBES: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was going tell you about that. The          contact is at the White Stallionz Bar. They'll give you          exactly what you need.   LANCE: You better not be screwing us! FORBES: Me? Gimme a break. I'm your best buddy. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance head to the White Stallionz Bar] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance have entered the bar. It's a white supremacist gay  bar. There are bikers inside. Two bikers are dancing with each other]      VIC: Something's not right about this place.    LANCE: Yeah. I didn't know bikers were into disco.      VIC: I think Forbes has fucked us again. BIKER #1: Your kind ain't welcome here. BIKER #2: I wanna bareback the little one. LANCE: Aw, shit... It's two for one at the boy's club. Shit. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance kill the bikers, who are called the Stallionz] LANCE: Man, Forbes screwed us again! Let's get back and screw HIM, metaphorically speaking. [They head back to the derelict building] -CUTSCENE- [Forbes runs out of the building and gets on a moped] LANCE: What the hell?! That's Forbes! [Forbes tries to escape] LANCE: Get him! -END OF CUTSCENE- [They chase and kill Forbes] LANCE: Aw, man... I didn't mean for us to kill him. VIC: It's a little late now, Lance! [Vic takes Lance back to his hotel] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: I know there was something to this big shipment he was talking about, and I'm gonna find out. Later, man. [Lance goes inside] -END OF CUTSCENE- 29) Snitch Hitch (Lance) -CUTSCENE- [Lance is talking to someone on the phone in his hotel] LANCE: Pink. No, blue. No, white - I'll take all three. [Vic enters and tries to pull the phone out of Lance's hand] LANCE: Hey... I'll call you back! [Vic grabs the phone and throws it across the room] LANCE: What's your problem, man? Huh?  VIC: My problem? My problem is you're going to have us both killed         because you're a moron. I told you not to get us in so deep. LANCE: Oh, shut up and grow some balls.   VIC: What, tough guy? What did you say to me? [Vic grabs Lance by the neck and pulls him up off the sofa] VIC: When will YOU grow a fucking brain?! [Janet Vance enters with Javier, her boyfriend]         JANET: Hello, boys! VIC and LANCE: Mom!         JANET: Victor, put your brother down. [Vic releases Lance]   VIC: What are you doing here, Mom? JANET: I'm cleaning up my act. I'm off the drugs for good. VIC: Here we go again... JANET: Can I get a drink, Lance, honey? LANCE: Who's that? JANET: That's Javier! He's been very sweet to me. VIC: Oh, gimme a break. LANCE: I'm tired of your bullshit, Mom. You've come here to ruin things for us again. JANET: How can you say that? I raised you! LANCE: Aunt Enid raised us, not you. JANET: I'm clean. Give me a chance, Victor. Please? VIC: You can stay with Lance, Mom. LANCE: What? VIC: But I don't want any trouble. I've got enough horseshit dealing with him. LANCE: Er, Vic, we gotta go meet that friend of yours at the airport...  VIC: What? LANCE: I'll explain on the way. VIC: Oh, right. You two, stay out of trouble. [Vic and Lance head out] JAVIER: Lick me, senora. [Janet and Javier kiss] [Cut to Vic and Lance outside] VIC: What friend at the airport? LANCE: This guy's a dealer who's getting out of the business. He's       getting us a file about this big shipment coming in. VIC: How much is this gonna cost? LANCE: You gotta speculate to accumulate. We're yuppies now, bro. [They get in the car] -END OF CUTSCENE- LANCE: This dude's plane could be leaving anytime, so let's pop big- time. [They head to the airport] -CUTSCENE- [They meet the dealer inside the terminal] LANCE: You got the goods? DEALER: You're too late, man. I told you - first come, first served. LANCE: Man, that was our file! Who did you sell it to? DEALER: Some dude over at Terminal C. He got a private jet and a         private army. I don't think you wanna mess with him. LANCE: We'll see about that! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance head to Terminal C. Goons are guarding the jet] LANCE: Where's my file, you mother-suckers?! [Vic and Lance attack the goons] LANCE: Don't get me angry! LANCE: I'll kick your asses! LANCE: Come on, you mothers! [Vic and Lance kill them all] -CUTSCENE- [Bikers arrive] LANCE: What the hell are they doing here?! VIC: I'm guessing we're not the only ones your contact turned away today. LANCE: I'll get the file. [Lance runs towards the jet] -END OF CUTSCENE- BIKER: Give us the file! [Vic kills the bikers] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Lance? LANCE: [from inside] Hey, bro, this cat really knew how to travel! There's some stylish shit in here. VIC: Never mind that. Did you get the file?! [Lance gets off the jet with the file] LANCE: Sure. No problem. VIC: No problem? I could have used a little help out here, ass brain! LANCE: Take it easy, bro. It's all good. VIC: Lance, take the file and get the hell out of my sight. -END OF CUTSCENE- 30) From Zero to Hero (Lance) - -CUTSCENE- [Lance is in his hotel. Vic enters] LANCE: Ah, just in time, bro! [laughs] Yeah!  VIC: Lance, I'm through with this, man. LANCE: What, you mean this dump? Yeah, me too. [laughs]   VIC: No, I'm through with this bullshit. I don't wanna be a damn        drug dealer. It's for assholes. LANCE: Vic, don't go soft on me now. I got what we finally needed. I        know how we can get our hands on one big shipment, completely        free. We can finally get Pete the health care he needs.   VIC: Look, Lance, I'm a long way from being a good guy, but drugs         just mean trouble. LANCE: I agree, man. 100% agree. That's why we're gonna get this one        big payday for all the hard work, and split! Jerry Martinez -         it's his coke.   VIC: Uh... fuck it. You know what? Let's do it. LANCE: Alright! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a real man. Let's pop. [They head out] LANCE: We're gonna make it big, Vic. I have a dream... I have a        dream-muh! VIC: Your dream is my nightmare. LANCE: Don't be like that, man... [Two men are standing next to a car] LANCE: Look, I've even arranged some insurance. Come on, guys. Time to pop. [They all get in the car] -END OF CUTSCENE- [They make their way to the docks in Little Haiti. On the way...] VIC: So, what's the plan? LANCE: Martinez is bringing in that big ass shipment Forbes was rapping about. We're gonna rip it off. [They reach the docks] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: I'll take a look and see what's happening. [Cut to Lance looking around the corner of a building. Some gang members are loading a crate into a truck] GANG MEMBER: Hey, why do you mess with me? [Lance goes back to Vic and their allies, who have all left the car] LANCE: You two just sight tight and make sure our exit is clear. This is about to get ugly. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance kill the gang members] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: Take the other truck and follow me. Looks like your friend Martinez finally showed up! VIC: Shit! [Martinez flies past in a Hunter] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in a truck and starts following Lance, who has entered the other truck] LANCE: [on radio] Try to keep up, man. I'm a BAD driver. VIC: You said it. [Vic and Lance drive through the city. Gang members chase and shoot at them on the way, but they lose them. Vic and Lance drive onto the southernmost bridge to the east island] -CUTSCENE- [Martinez flies in] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Martinez fires missiles at the bridge, but Vic and Lance dodge them. They reach the other side of the bridge] -CUTSCENE- [They smash through a police roadblock. Martinez flies away] LANCE: [on radio] Hey, looks like the cops have scared off Martinez. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They get a 4-star wanted level] LANCE: [on radio] Oh, shit! They're after US now! [They drive to an apartment at the south end of Ocean Beach] -CUTSCENE- [They park the trucks inside the garage] [Cut to them walking around the side of the apartment] LANCE: [singing] Rich at last! Uh-huh! Rich at last, huh. Thank God almighty, we are rich at last! VIC: We haven't sold this shit yet. LANCE: We'd better. I've just bought us both fancy apartments. We're       mortgaged to the hilt. VIC: We're supposed to be getting out of this shit. LANCE: We are! But I gotta do it in style! I got a reputation to       uphold. -END OF CUTSCENE- 31) Brawn of the Dead (Lance) - -CUTSCENE- [Vic is on the phone in Lance's apartment. Lance enters, wearing a smart suit]    LANCE: Hey, Vic. Like the new threads?      VIC: Terrifying. I need to use the phone.  MARTINEZ: [on phone] Yeah?      VIC: Thanks for the coke, Martinez. [chuckles] Now you know how            it feels to get fucked. MARTINEZ: Oh, you fucked us both, Vic. That coke you ripped off            belonged to the Mendez brothers. I was just the shepherd.            Now we're all on their shit list, and the only way off is            in a fucking bag. I'm turning states. I'm gonna ruin you,            your brother, Mendez, everyone. Happy holidays. [Lance walks out] VIC: Lance! You useless degenerate asshole! [Cut to Vic and Lance in the garage] LANCE: We don't have to worry about a thing. Once we sell the coke,         we can pay off the feds and handle anything the Mendez brothers throw at us. [They enter Lance's Infernus sports car] LANCE: Listen, I've got a buyer. Let's go see him. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They drive to the Vice Point Mall. On the way...] LANCE: My man is filming some... 'Z' list movie over at the mall. They only let him shoot at night, so we'd better get over there, pronto. -CUTSCENE- [Inside the mall, Vic and Lance walk up to Spitz, who is talking to a man] LANCE: Hey, Spitz! [The other man walks off] LANCE: Looking for inspiration? I got all you need. SPITZ: All I need, huh? A stuntman's what I need. We've got to wrap this scene before the mall opens. LANCE: Vic can handle your stunts. Meanwhile, you and I can talk snow business. [Cut to Vic and a woman standing at the information desk. They are both armed with shotguns. People dressed as zombies are walking towards them] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and the woman kill lots of 'zombies' for one minute] -CUTSCENE- [Vic is standing outside the record store with a katana sword. 'Zombies' are walking towards him] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic holds off the 'zombies' for 1:30] -CUTSCENE- [Vic is sitting on a bench. Lance walks up to him] LANCE: I am my brother's keeper. We got the deal. We're made for life! Let's go pick up the yayo. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They head back to Lance's apartment] -CUTSCENE- [They are inside the apartment, and they are both laughing] VIC: Mom! LANCE: Mom! Hey, we're rich! [They stop laughing and look around] LANCE: Where is she? VIC: Ah, never mind, man. Just get the yayo. LANCE: Yeah, it's in the spare room. [laughs] [Lance goes into the spare room] LANCE: Oh, shit! VIC: What? [Lance comes back out] LANCE: It's gone! VIC: What?! LANCE: And Mom's stuff is gone, too. VIC: Argh... Mom! Lance! LANCE: Ain't that a bitch! I can't believe she took our coke! VIC: Yeah, so what do we do now, moron? LANCE: Wait, wait, let me think. I know we can make it right. We'll       just, uh... We'll explain things to Mendez brothers, you know? VIC: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure in between chopping us up and feeding us to their dogs, they'll be very understanding. Lance, if we get out of this, I'm gonna kill you! Asshole! [Vic leaves] -END OF CUTSCENE- 32) Blitzkrieg (Lance) -- This mission has an alternative opening, but we'll go over that at the end. Let's go over the main mission first. -CUTSCENE- [Lance is in his apartment] LANCE: ...find a way to get outta this, man. [snivels] [Vic enters] VIC: Lance... what the fuck is wrong now? [Vic sits on a sofa] LANCE: Nothing. Nothing at all. We're fine.    VIC: Really? 'Cause I tell you something, we don't look fine. LANCE: Well, let me tell YOU something, we are. Hm-hmmm.   VIC: Well, "we" look like a moron who just realised "we" just         screwed up his entire family. LANCE: Well, speak for your damn self. It's just business, baby. I         think I sorted out everything. I am cool, man. I am relaxed as        hell. Yeah.   VIC: What are you talking about? LANCE: The Mendez brothers, they don't want us dead anymore.    VIC: No? LANCE: No. They might want to hurt us a bit, but kill us? Naw... [Vic gets up and follows Lance around the room] VIC: OK, so a pair of homicidal lunatics merely want to hurt me a        bit, and I'm actually pleased about it. What have you gotten us into, you dumb shit?! LANCE: Bro, we're cool! No problem. VIC: Oh... Lance... [The phone rings. Lance answers it] LANCE: Yeah. It's the Don. [pause] What? You're shitting me, right? [Lance hangs up] LANCE: Damn. VIC: What?! LANCE: There might be a... little problem. [Cut to Vic and Lance walking through the garage] LANCE: Stop yelling at me! It's not my fault! VIC: Yes, it is! If you hadn't stolen the Mendez's coke, they wouldn't be attacking all of my businesses! LANCE: I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for everything! Now I'm       gonna save your empire. You do what you want. [Lance gets in a car and drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to help Lance and his gang defend a business from the Mendez goons] LANCE: You're on my turf now! LANCE: You're all mine! LANCE: You're dead! LANCE: My name is Lance! You haven't a chance! LANCE: I'll break you in two! LANCE: I know Kung-Fu! LANCE: Chicken! -CUTSCENE- [All the goons are dead] VIC: We did it! We won! LANCE: Yeah... Well, I wouldn't go that far, bro. VIC: What do you mean? LANCE: We might have won the day here, but we probably got our asses whipped elsewhere. Sorry, man. -END OF CUTSCENE- ALTERNATIVE OPENING: You need to take over at least five businesses before you can do this mission, or you'll get an alternative opening: [Lance is in his apartment, looking out the window. Vic enters] LANCE: Hey, Vic, what're you doing here, man? You should be out there building our empire. VIC: What empire? I own a few businesses. Now it's an empire? And what do you mean "our" empire? LANCE: Call it what you want. But when the Mendez brothers finally work out that we ripped them off, you're gonna need all the cash you can get. VIC: What? And you're just gonna sit here? LANCE: Hey, man, it's your empire. 33) The Mugshot Longshot (Mendez brothers) -- -CUTSCENE- [In the Mendez mansion, Vic and Lance are ordered by a Mendez goon to sit on a sofa. Armando and Diego Mendez enter] ARMANDO: Ah, siblings! Just like me and Diego. How apt. [Lance gets up] LANCE: Listen, Mendez, we don't want no crap. [The Mendez goon hits Lance on the back with a pistol. Lance falls  back onto the sofa] VIC: Hey, mother--! [Vic gets up, but the Mendez goon points his gun at him] ARMANDO: Listen, Vance brothers, you want me to kill you now? No           problem. Or we can work together. Your call.     VIC: What the hell kinda choice is that? [Vic sits down again]   LANCE: Alright, I guess we're gonna work together. ARMANDO: Good. Diego?    DIEGO: Si. ARMANDO: So... Victor, Lance, who has been ripping us off? All of us,          because now we are partners; a team, as it were. Four           brothers.      VIC: Yeah-- LANCE: It was Martinez. ARMANDO: Really? OK, prove it. I mean, prove it now. [Cut to Vic and Lance outside the mansion] VIC: How the hell are we gonna prove Martinez was behind them losing their shipment? LANCE: Look, Martinez is turning states. All we need to do is get some photos of him with the feds. We could even make out like he was an undercover cop like Forbes. That's it. Man, I am a        genius. Take some photos of Martinez talking to the feds, then get Forbes' ID from my place and meet me at the Print Works. [Lance gets in his car] VIC: The Print Works? LANCE: Trust me... I see you there, brother. [Lance drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic heads to the Washington Beach police station] -CUTSCENE- [Martinez and a DEA agent are leaving the station] MARTINEZ: Come on, man. This town ain't safe for me anymore. AGENT: Calm down, sir. You're in the witness protection program now. We'll take care of everything. [They get in a car] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic takes a photo of Martinez with the agent. They start driving away. Vic follows them to the marina in Ocean Beach] -CUTSCENE- [Martinez and the agent exit the car and walk along a pier towards a yacht] MARTINEZ: Is this the best you could get me? I should have taken my          chances with the Mendez brothers. AGENT: Sir, turning states evidence isn't a lottery win. You're          lucky to get this. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They are now on the boat. Vic takes a photo of Martinez] -CUTSCENE- [Martinez and the agent start heading off with the yacht] MARTINEZ: Hey! Some idiot is taking photos of me. What kind of           security is this? He could have a gun. Get me the hell out of here. You guys suck! I mean seriously suck! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic picks up Forbes' DEA ID from Lance's apartment. He then goes to meet Lance at the Print Works] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: Photos, Forbes' ID - cool. I'll put them together with these phoney ID papers my man just forged. VIC: So, instead of DEA agent Forbes... LANCE: We've got agent Jerry Martinez - 1st class asshole. That should convince Mendez that Jerry was a cop. [Lance gets in his car] VIC: What if it doesn't? LANCE: Run. But don't come running after me. My ass will be up in a        tree in Haiti. [Lance drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- 34) Hostile Takeover (Mendez brothers) -- -CUTSCENE- [Vic has entered the Mendez mansion and is looking around it. Armando appears behind him] ARMANDO: So, now we're together. And yet, business is hard. This           industry is full of criminals.      VIC: Oh, yeah? ARMANDO: Money can be so corrupting. I find it very distasteful.      VIC: Heh. Well, you know, that's the deal with the drugs trade.           It attracts the wrong sort. ARMANDO: Quite. Are you trustworthy, friend?     VIC: I don't know. After what I've been through recently, I'd say          probably not. ARMANDO: Great! Honesty is a very attractive quality. I'm promoting           you, Vic.     VIC: Thanks. What do you need me to do? ARMANDO: Head to Vice Point. The people there have been ripping me           off for years. Remove them and set up shop. We need a place          we can distribute product from.      VIC: Look, I ain't interested in that side of the business. ARMANDO: Unfortunately, you don't have a choice. Now, Vic, please, go. [Vic heads out] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the business site in Vice Point and kills all the bikers there] -CUTSCENE- [Nine bikers pull up on Angel motorbikes. Four of the bikes have two bikers on them. The fifth one has only one biker. A biker runs out of the building and gets on that bike. The bikers speed off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic chases and kills them] 35) Unfriendly Competition (Mendez brothers) -CUTSCENE- [Diego is sitting and reading a book in the Mendez mansion. Vic enters. Diego sighs when he sees him] VIC: Excuse me. [Diego sighs and tries to ignore him]   VIC: Mr. Mendez. DIEGO: Armando! Aqui! Tus Amigos! [Diego sighs and goes back to his book] VIC: Nice talking to you too, pal. [Armando enters] ARMANDO: Ah, my brother. What a conversationalist. Only today we were          discussing philosophy. He is a great fan of Plato, but I           have always been more Aristotelian. I think perhaps that is          why he is so happy, and I am so weighed down by worry. What          do you think?     VIC: Me? Shit. The world is full of suffering, then you die. ARMANDO: See! I knew we were of one mind, you and I, which is why I          know you will feel this slight as much as me.     VIC: Here we go... ARMANDO: Some crooks have shown their contempt for us by using our home as an entryway for drugs into this fine nation. VIC: Like you? ARMANDO: Exactly! Plagiarism! It is an insult! I hope you're wise enough to see that if you let a man insult you, before long he will try to kill you. You must kill these degenerates. You'll find them near Ocean Beach. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the first drug runner's place, which is in Vice Point] DRUG RUNNER: Who the hell is that guy? [Vic kills the drug runner and his bodyguards. He then goes to the Standing Vice Point Hotel where he finds the other drug runner] -CUTSCENE- [Vic confronts the drug runner in the swimming pool area behind the hotel] DRUG RUNNER: This is a private party, pal. VIC: Yeah? Well, this is a public execution. [Vic points his weapon at him] DRUG RUNNER: Holy shit! Get him, girls! [The drug runner runs away. His female bodyguards point their guns at Vic. We hear a gun cocking] VIC: Motherfucker. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills all the bodyguards] -CUTSCENE- [The drug runner is on a quad bike down on the beach. Two girls are with him - one is on the bike with him, the other is on another quad bike. Two more girls run down towards him] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic chases and kills him] 36) High Wire (Mendez brothers) --- -CUTSCENE- [Armando is walking around a room in the Mendez mansion. Vic enters] ARMANDO: Whoa, thank God you're here.    VIC: What's going on? ARMANDO: I've got some bad news, friend. You're in terrible trouble.     VIC: What? ARMANDO: Diego is beside himself with worry.     VIC: Wait a minute, hold on. What are you talking about? ARMANDO: The police got some of our merchandise. But it's you we're          worried about.     VIC: Why? ARMANDO: You see, we're utilitarians - the greatest good for the           greatest number. And there are two of us, but only one of          you. So Diego suggested we explain to the police that the          cocaine was yours.     VIC: Wha... [sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho, oh, yeah, that's very           thoughtful of you. ARMANDO: And unfortunately, I have this paperwork showing your           involvement in the project. Unless we could resolve this little distraction. VIC: And how do you suggest we do that? ARMANDO: You steal the cocaine back for us. It's been impounded. You must steal it before they take it back to the police station. Thank you, Vic. I do so enjoy our conversations. I          find you very inspiring. VIC: Thanks. Here we go again. [Vic heads out] ARMANDO: Have fun! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the breakers yard in Little Haiti where he finds a helicopter with a magnet on it] -CUTSCENE- [A Mendez Cartel goon is in a car] GOON: There are some cargo containers at the police impound. Our coke is hidden inside them, all mixed up amongst the other cargo. VIC: Don't worry. I'll get them out of there. GOON: Muy Bien. I'll be in touch. [The goon drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the helicopter and flies to the impound. He picks up a container] GOON: [on radio] Senor, take the containers to the drop-off point. [Vic takes the container to the drop-off point in the airport] -CUTSCENE- [A truck drives out of the impound with the other container] GOON: [on radio] Caray! The cops are moving the last container! Get it back! Vamos! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic lifts the container off the back of the truck] GOON: [on radio] I can't believe you did it! Senor, it's been a       pleasure watching your work. Adios. [Vic takes the container to the drop-off point] GOON: [on radio] Senor! Senor! Please, help me! The bikers are after me! I can't get away! Oh, Madre dios! [Vic catches up with the goon, who is being chased by bikers] GOON: [on radio] Come quick! GOON: [on radio] Help me! GOON: [on radio] Please, senor! [Vic manages to pick up the goon's car] GOON: [on radio] Thank you, senor! You're incredible! VIC: No problem. Where do you want me to drop you off? GOON: [on radio] [laughs] Oh, please, don't drop me, senor! [laughs] Take me to the car park. Gracias! [Vic drops the goon's car on the roof of the multi-storey car park in Ocean Beach] GOON: [on radio] Gracias, senor! That was fantastic! Adios! 37) Turn on, Tune in, Bug out (Lance) - -CUTSCENE- [An anxious Lance is looking under a sofa in his apartment. Vic enters]   VIC: Lance! LANCE: Oh, no.   VIC: Lance, get over here and explain yourself. [Lance gets up] LANCE: Sssh!   VIC: Stop acting like a child. LANCE: Sssh!   VIC: Don't you shush me. LANCE: Keep your voice down...   VIC: No. You can barely tie your own shoelaces, and you're telling        me how to behave?  LANCE: [shouting] Will you shut up, you stupid gorilla?! The place is        bugged! The DEA is onto us! Happy now?! [Cut to Vic running outside. Lance runs after him] LANCE: Hey, where you going, man?   VIC: We're gonna have bugs in all our places. LANCE: And by the time you've found them all, we'll be halfway         through a long jail term!   VIC: What am I supposed to do? LANCE: These bugs transmit long range... so knock out all the police        antennae. The DEA won't even get a signal from these things. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to Ammu-Nation and buys a rocket launcher. He then destroys the antennae on the roof of the police stations in Washington Beach, Little Havana and Downtown. He then loses his wanted level] 38) Accidents Will Happen (Reni) -CUTSCENE- [Reni Wassulmaier and Frankie are in an office in Interglobal Studios. "Success" and "Failure" are written on the walls. Reni is a  woman, but she has the physical appearance of a man - she is a  transsexual] RENI: What do you think, eh? It is genius, no? Genius! [Frankie walks around Reni]    RENI: Frankie! FRANKIE: Genius, Reni.    RENI: Genius, darling. It is the story of the age. Success und           failure. Man, woman. And me, I smash them together. Art und          advertising. Future and past. Man und woman.  [Vic enters]     VIC: Um...    RENI: Frankie, who is this gorgeous man? FRANKIE: I don't know. Who are you?     VIC: I'm looking for someone called Reni. [Frankie points out Reni, who raises his/her arms] FRANKIE: Ta-daa.     VIC: Uh, yeah... Spitz said you might want something?    RENI: Something? Ah! Cocaine! Darling, I want cocaine! Mummy wants some snort and she wants it now! You must be the cocaine man. Frankie, the cocaine man is here! [Reni and Frankie both jump excitedly] VIC: Hey! You think you can say it any louder? I don't think they heard you in Cuba. RENI: Oh, you fucking square. It's only a bit of snow. [Frankie leaves the room] RENI: It's nineteen eighty fucking four, darling. Everyone is on       cocaine! VIC: Whatever you say, mister... uh... lady... err... RENI: Oh, darling, I'm a little bit of everything. I'm universal. Reni Wassulmaier. But you, angel, you're unique. Can I film you undressing? [Frankie comes back into the room] FRANKIE: Oh, Reni, we've got a problem! RENI: Not now, darling. I'm flirting. I'm dreaming. FRANKIE: Um, Reni...   RENI: A chateau on the Loire... FRANKIE: But Reni...    RENI: Two lovers entwined... FRANKIE: Reni, the stunt guy just quit. He said he didn't like you touching his ass. RENI: He what? Oh, that was just fun! This is real passion. [to Vic] Darling, please, save me. [Reni clutches Vic's legs. Frankie laughs] VIC: Hey, get off! RENI: Then save me! VIC: Wait, wait, what do you need? RENI: Just a driver. VIC: OK, fine. Just get off-- Hey! Get off. [Cut to Vic and Reni outside] VIC: So you don't need any product? RENI: I need metaphor for the calamities of life, darling. Drive well and I'll find you more buyers than you can use with more users than you could buy. Remember, angel, this commercial needs action, action, action. [Reni gets in a helicopter and takes off] RENI: [through megaphone] OK, action! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the stunt car and uses it for Reni's stunt commercial] -CUTSCENE- [Vic speeds up a ramp and launches into the air. He smashes through a window and into a building] RENI: [through megaphone] It's a wrap! Beautiful! -END OF CUTSCENE- Note: You speed up three ramps during the commercial. When you land after launching off the first and third ramps, Reni says, "Fantastische!" 39) The Colonel's Coke (Reni) - -CUTSCENE- [Reni and Frankie are in the office in Interglobal Studios] FRANKIE: You have been a bad boy. [Frankie spanks Reni with a clipboard] RENI: Louder. [Frankie moves further back] FRANKIE: You have been a bad girl! [Frankie takes a run up and spanks Reni with the clipboard again]   RENI: Harder! FRANKIE: Oh, give it a rest, Reni! I went to film school! I am an           expert in everything. I love bullying people. I am perfect!           So why do I have to spend my time whipping you?    RENI: For the art. Oh, you're so very bourgeois. Sweet, but so, so          average. Go. It's over. You're fired. FRANKIE: But Reni!    RENI: But Reni, but Reni... Reni, you are fantastische and I am so          very mediocre. Now go! [Frankie starts crying. Vic enters] RENI: [to Vic] Darling, you are here... to lighten my heart.  VIC: Uh, not exactly.  RENI: I love you. I love this man! Kiss me! [Reni follows Vic around the room] VIC: Hey, gimme a break. RENI: I'll break you if you'll break me. VIC: I can't deal with this... RENI: Oh, darling, please, I need your help. It's a friend of mine - Gonzalez. [giggles] He's got to move a shit load of coke. [Reni and Frankie both laugh] VIC: Uh... yeah... -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the meeting point on the pier in Downtown] -CUTSCENE- [Gonzalez and his two bodyguards are waiting] VIC: Are you Gonzalez? GONZALEZ: Ah, you must be Victor. Senor, I need to get my Colonel's          merchandise safely to Viceport. VIC: Your Colonel? You're in the army? GONZALEZ: Not your army. Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez's my boss. VIC: I'll bear that in mind. GONZALEZ: Take my copter. My men will join you. [Vic and Gonzalez's men walk towards a Sea Sparrow] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the helicopter. Gonzalez's men get on the pontoons. They fly after Gonzalez's boat and protect it] GONZALEZ: [on radio] There are boats coming! Get them! [Vic and Gonzalez's men shoot at the enemy boats] GONZALEZ: [on radio] Kill them all! [When they reach Viceport, an enemy helicopter appears] GONZALEZ: [on radio] Shoot down the copters! [They shoot down the helicopter] GONZALEZ: [on radio] More boats incoming! [They destroy all the boats] -CUTSCENE- [A boat is chasing Gonzalez. He speeds into a boathouse. The door closes. The enemy boat crashes into the door and explodes] [Cut to Vic and Gonzalez on land] GONZALEZ: I have lost many good men today. Men I cannot afford to           lose if I am to protect my Colonel's interests in the deal ahead. VIC: If you need a bodyguard, you could do a lot worse than me. For the right price, of course. GONZALEZ: Maybe so, but I can't trust anyone until I've discovered who leaked our arrival to those puta bandits. [Gonzalez gets in a car] -END OF CUTSCENE- 40) Kill Phil (Reni) -CUTSCENE- [Reni and Barry Mickelthwaite are in the office in Interglobal Studios]  RENI: He doesn't know? BARRY: Uh, no. And let's keep it that way.  RENI: Of course; he is an artist. The pressure could kill him. I         mean, I perform well knowing people want to drill me full of        holes, but I am unique, darling. [Vic enters]  RENI: Darling!   VIC: Hey, Reni.         [to Barry] Hi, uh...  RENI: Darling, this is darling. Darling, darling. Wunderbar. So now        we are acquainted, no? Who wants to oompah?   VIC: [to Barry] Uh, I'm Vic. BARRY: Alright? Barry, mate. [Vic and Barry shake hands]  RENI: [to Vic] Now, darling, darling needs a favour. BARRY: Yeah, I need you to drive me and one of me clients around.         Major player. Could sing the birds down from the trees. You'll        love him.   VIC: I'm kind of expensive for a limo service. BARRY: Yeah, well, rock and roll is a dirty business, cock. VIC: Excuse me? BARRY: Well, this one bloke gave me three million quid, but now he       wants it back. Cheeky twat. He's threatening to kill my bloke if I don't pay up. VIC: OK. I'll help you, but it's gonna cost. BARRY: Yeah, yeah. Christ on a bike, is that the time? We'd better go       and meet me boy. You are gonna love him. [Vic and Barry head out] -END OF CUTSCENE- BARRY: I've got a special limo ordered. Let's go and get it, then pick up the boy. VIC: A special limo? BARRY: Bulletproof. I'm not taking any chances, mate. This nutter means business. [They pick up the bulletproof limo and head to the meeting point] -CUTSCENE- [A helicopter flies in and lands. Phil Collins, Barry's client, exits. Two cars containing six armed Forelli goons appear. They exit the cars and start shooting at Phil] BARRY: Bloody hell! That nutter's sent a goon squad after me talent! [The helicopter blows up. Phil takes cover behind the limo] BARRY: Get 'em, Vic! [Vic exits the limo] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the goons] -CUTSCENE- [Barry is now out of the limo] *PHIL: Look, Barry, when I agreed to play Vice City, I didn't expect it to be my swansong. BARRY: It's no problem, mate; just some nutcase trying it on. VIC: Hey, aren't you...? *PHIL: Phil, mate. Phil Collins. BARRY: Let's do the meet and greet another time, eh? Come on. [Phil gets in the back of the limo] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Barry are now back in the limo. Vic starts driving Phil to his hotel. Forelli goons start chasing and shooting at them] GOON: Giorgio wants his money back! *PHIL: What money? Barry, who are these nutters? BARRY: Keep your pretty head down, Phil! Christ on a bike, Vicky, floor it! *PHIL: For crying out loud, Barry, what have you done this time? BARRY: I swear on me mother's life, on me dead mother's grave, I        don't know what he's on about! [They reach the hotel safely] -CUTSCENE- [Phil and Barry are walking towards the hotel] *PHIL: Shouldn't we call the police? BARRY: This is Vice City, mate, seriously. Bandit country. It's        nothing. *PHIL: Who is this Giorgio you owe money to? BARRY: Oh, just a fan. He lent me... I mean, you know, he GAVE me a        few quid. *PHIL: Barry, are you in hock to gangsters? BARRY: No, mate, I swear! On your life! *PHIL: Yeah, well, that's what I'm worried about. You're a real moron. I should have left you managing that talking dog. What was his name? Puddles? -END OF CUTSCENE- 41) Say Cheese (Reni) - -CUTSCENE- [Reni and Frankie are acting in a film studio in Interglobal Studios. Vic enters] RENI: Cut, cut, cut! It is boring! Terrible! I'm a hack! Oh,        conventional drivel...  VIC: Uh, Reni, you got some contacts for me? RENI: Darling, do serious purchasers of enormous quantities of uncut       cocaine grow on trees?! Maybe in your town, but not in mine.  VIC: OK, then why do you keep calling me over here? Look, I'm in        this to make money. For my brother. I don't have time to waste. RENI: Darling, that is beautiful. One day, I will make a film like       that. Two brothers; one is a dog. The other - a librarian. Love       blossoms between a man... and a pig. Three swans die. The end!       Genius!  VIC: [sighs] Whatever you say, but in the meantime, I've got a        business to run. I've got to make some money. RENI: But darling, wait - if it's money you need, maybe you can breathe some life into this bloody fucking mess. Somebody burn the script! Let's make art, people! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic uses a jet ski for Reni's stunt commercial. Reni is watching from a helicopter] RENI: [through megaphone] Jump! Use the ramp! RENI: [through megaphone] Faster, faster, harder! RENI: [through megaphone] Amazing, darling! RENI: [through megaphone] Yes, yes, that's it! Don't stop! [Vic gets on a motorbike to continue the commercial on land] -CUTSCENE- [A ball of cheese is outside the front door of a house] MAN: All because she can't get enough. -END OF CUTSCENE- 42) Home's on the Range (Gonzalez) -- -CUTSCENE- [Vic is waiting at the driving range at the golf club. Gonzalez and his men pull up in caddies] GONZALEZ: Ah, Vic. I hope you play golf. [Gonzalez exits his caddy]      VIC: Sure. I've played a round or two. GONZALEZ: [laughs] I play around all the time, but don't tell my            wife. [laughs] Vic, I find the way a man plays golf says           much about him.      VIC: Really? [A man named Jesus is tied to a buoy in the water] GONZALEZ: Si. For instance, I trusted Jesus over there. Yet, he            betrayed me. Heh! I should have known better. He's a            terrible golfer. Let's see if I like the way you play, eh?           Then maybe we do business. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic takes a shot at the buoy and hits it. It explodes and sinks,  taking Jesus with it] GONZALEZ: [laughs] Bueno! You bastard! No one sells me out! -CUTSCENE- [Gonzalez is back in the caddy] GONZALEZ: Well played, Vic. VIC: Thanks. GONZALEZ: Regard this as a down-payment on your services. I'll be in          touch. [Gonzalez drives off with his men] -END OF CUTSCENE- 43) Purple Haze (Gonzalez) -- -CUTSCENE- [Gonzalez is sitting on a sun lounger behind a hotel. Vic arrives] GONZALEZ: Ah, Vic, my friend. I've a small side deal requiring a           sensitive touch.       VIC: Sensitive? GONZALEZ: Let's just say I'd rather my boss didn't find out about            this... heh, or my men, for that matter.      VIC: Let me guess - you've cut your Colonel's coke to make a           side profit. GONZALEZ: Sssh. Vic, please... This is, after all, the land of            opportunity.       VIC: I don't care who you rip off, Gonzalez, as long as it's not           me.  GONZALEZ: Bueno. The drugs are at Ocean Beach. Take them to the deal           in Washington.  -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic picks up the drugs van in Ocean Beach. He takes them to the deal  in Washington Beach] -CUTSCENE- [A truck is driving towards the van] VIC: What the fuck?! [The truck crashes into the van] [Cut to Vic lying on the ground, unconscious. Most of the drugs have spilled out of the van. Two men have left the truck and are standing beside the van] MAN #1: You hit the van too hard! The drugs have gone everywhere! There's more on this dude than in the back! MAN #2: Quit whining. Let's just get this shit up to the party on        Starfish. We've got bitches waiting. [The men approach the back of the van] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets up. He is high on the drugs. He gets a pager message from Gonzalez] GONZALEZ: [pager] What's taking so long? Ring me, pronto! [Vic goes to a nearby payphone] -CUTSCENE- [Vic phones Gonzalez] VIC: Gonzalez? We got hit. The drugs... They're gone. GONZALEZ: [on phone] What? Are you fucking with me? VIC: No... I'm not. GONZALEZ: What's wrong with you? Are you high on my shit? VIC: No... Yeah... I must've been breathing it in while I was out cold. GONZALEZ: I want my drugs back, Vic. I still have a buyer who might be interested, but he's leaving town real soon. Kill the bastards who did this, and get my drugs back to the lockup! VIC: Oh, they'll pay alright. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic makes his way to Starfish Island] -CUTSCENE- [We see the gang members. Most of them are dancing with women] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the gang members and gets back in the van. He drives the van back to the lockup] -CUTSCENE- [Vic is now out of the van. Gonzalez walks up to him] GONZALEZ: Well, at least you managed to retrieve my merchandise. But I think, for our friendship, this is the end. Adios. -END OF CUTSCENE- 44) Kill Phil: Part 2 (Reni) -CUTSCENE- [Reni, Barry, and Phil Collins are in the office in Interglobal Studios. Barry is on the phone and Phil is praying]  RENI: But darling, do you not feel a special connection between us?         A certain magic? *PHIL: No. And I'll be honest with you, you're not really my type.        Barry, is everything sorted for tonight? BARRY: Mate, seriously, of course it's bloody sorted. You're gonna        blow them away. *PHIL: Hmmm, well, I'm more worried about someone blowing ME away.  RENI: All this talk of blowing! *PHIL: Listen, sweetheart, please take out your many frustrations on        Barry, will you, and leave me alone?  RENI: Barry? I've had Barry. Everyone has!  BARRY: Do what?  RENI: I like a challenge. BARRY: Phil, he's joking. *PHIL: Barry? BARRY: Listen, Phil... [Reni kisses Barry] BARRY: Stop taking the mick!  RENI: Yes, last year in Monaco. BARRY: What? RENI: Too much champagne... BARRY: No, there wasn't. RENI: Too much love in the air. BARRY: No, there wasn't. You'd better shut it. It's lies, Phil. RENI: But it was beautiful. *PHIL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now Barry, we're safe, right? [Vic has entered] BARRY: Safe? The best security geezer in town has just turned up. Would I lie to you, kid? *PHIL: Yes, actually. All the time. BARRY: Well, this time, I'm not. Vic, would I lie to him? VIC: Probably. *PHIL: We'd better go to wardrobe. BARRY: Vic, do us a favour. Go check the concert hall is clear. Mr. Superstar soppy bollocks here has gone all showbiz on me. VIC: Sure. *PHIL: Hey, I wasn't the one finding true love in Monaco... BARRY: Oh, shut it, or you'll be finding a new manager. *PHIL: Hey, don't tempt me. [Barry and Phil head out] RENI: I just love those two. [Vic laughs] RENI: They are delicious! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the Hyman Memorial Stadium. He enters the stadium and starts checking out security at the stadium locations. Hitmen are at the locations] HITMAN: Get him. [Vic kills the hitmen and moves on to the next location] HITMAN: Take him down. [Vic kills the hitmen and moves on to the next location] HITMAN: Kill him! [Vic kills the hitmen and moves on to the next location. There are no hitmen at this location, so he moves on to the next one] HITMAN: He's mine! [Vic kills the hitmen, collects the basement keycard and goes to the basement] -CUTSCENE- [Vic exits the basement lift. There are hitmen in the basement] HITMAN: I'm gonna warn the others. [The hitman runs through the basement. There is a bomb in the basement] -END OF CUTSCENE- HITMAN: Shoot him! HITMAN: Come on! HITMAN: Take him! HITMAN: I've got him. [Vic kills the hitmen] -CUTSCENE- [Vic has left the stadium. Barry and Phil pull up in a limo. They exit it] BARRY: It's Vic. See? I told you, nothing to worry about. *PHIL: Yeah, yeah. I'll see you inside. [Phil walks towards the stadium] BARRY: [to Vic] Seriously, mate, is everything all right? VIC: Sure. But, um, you might want to call bomb disposal. BARRY: Bomb disposal? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Good one. Yeah, yeah. Fucking comedian, yeah. Yeah, should put you on the fucking stage, uh? [Barry runs after Phil] BARRY: Phil mate, uh, maybe we should delay rehearsals a while, eh? Technical issues, you know. Nothing serious; it's all right. -END OF CUTSCENE- 45) Taking the Fall (Lance) --- -CUTSCENE- [Lance is on the phone in his apartment] LANCE: [laughs] Yeah, I'm Lance T. Vance, baby! [Vic has entered] LANCE: 'T' for tulips in Thailand. Great. [laughs] Yeah, look, I        gotta go. A'ight. Later. [Lance hangs up]   VIC: So who was that? LANCE: Oh, bro, that's just the accountant. He's getting us a better         rate at cleaning the money.   VIC: And you call the accountant "baby"? LANCE: Well, yeah. I'm a friendly guy. And "baby" is slang, you know?        I don't love him. I ain't like that.   VIC: Yeah, hey, whatever you say. LANCE: Anyway, we got real things to worry about. Someone's been         helping themselves to the stash. The Mendezes are freaking         out, and I told 'em we'd take care of it.    VIC: Aw, that's the last thing I need, on top of everything else. LANCE: What are you talking about? What's wrong?   VIC: Oh, man, it's just... Louise. I really thought we had something, but... we just don't get to see each other. LANCE: Yeah... Well, you know, relationships can be tough. Believe me, I know. Uh-huh. Yep. Come on, man, we got some thieves to       deal with. You can take out your sexual frustrations on them! Come on. Let's pop! VIC: Yeah. LANCE: You know, I love you, bro. A'ight... [They head out] [Cut to them walking towards the helipad behind the apartment. A helicopter is on it] VIC: So who's been stealing the yayo? LANCE: What? Oh... Yeah, uh... it's... the bikers. VIC: You sure? LANCE: Yeah. 'Course I am. VIC: You don't look it. LANCE: Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to prove it to you. You do        the flying, I'll do the frying! [laughs] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Lance is sitting in the helicopter] LANCE: Come on, let's take it to 'em! [Vic gets in the helicopter. They fly towards the bikers] LANCE: I can see a bunch of those ugly mothers down there. Take us in       closer. I'm gonna pop a few heads. [They fly over the bikers. Lance fires at them] LANCE: That's it! Run, you sissy boys! LANCE: Eat it! [Lance kills the bikers] LANCE: I'm so good I'm bad! [They fly to the hotel in Downtown where they find more bikers] LANCE: Chew on lead, biker boy! LANCE: There's more on the roof! [Lance kills all the bikers] -CUTSCENE- [A biker fires at the helicopter, damaging it severely] VIC: We're hit! [Lance falls out] LANCE: Ooooh, shiiiit! VIC: Lance! [Vic bails out. The helicopter explodes and plummets to the ground. Vic hits the ground. The helicopter lands behind him and explodes again] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic enters the building under construction. He kills all the bikers and searches for Lance] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Lance, are you there? LANCE: [off camera] Hey, Vic! Look what I found! [Lance rides out of a room on an Angel motorbike] VIC: You're alive! I thought you were dead. LANCE: No, man. I landed on a few soft bikers. Now I've got me a new bike! Yeah! VIC: Never mind that. Where's the stolen coke? LANCE: Uh, yeah... Uh, they probably sold it already, the bastards. [Lance speeds towards a wooden ramp] LANCE: I'll see you later, bro. [Lance speeds up the ramp and away. Vic runs up to the ramp] VIC: I don't even know why I bother sometimes. -END OF CUTSCENE- 46) White Lies (Lance) -- -CUTSCENE- [Lance is dancing to music in his apartment] LANCE: Hee! Alright, baby! This is the Lance Vance Dance! You got        to... pop it... and, uh, lock it... Yeah! Woo!  [Vic enters and turns off the music]   VIC: So this is where the coke is going? Up your nose? LANCE: Hey, Vic...   VIC: "Hey, Vic"? LANCE: What're you doing here?   VIC: You had me running around town like a psycho, and all the         while you're siphoning it off for your personal use. You are        unbelievable. LANCE: Hey... I'm sorry. Uh... Look, can we talk about this later? [Louise enters]           LOUISE: Oh... Hey, Vic... Shit...              VIC: Louise! What the hell is going on?            LANCE: Well, uh, um... Uh, bro... 'Ey, 'ey, bro, it ain't                    nothing like that!           LOUISE: [to Vic] I wouldn't do that to you... I just needed                    something to take my mind off things. VIC: So you fucked my brother? LOUISE and LANCE: No! LOUISE: We just get high together! Goddamn, you are so                   judgemental, like you're a damn saint or something. Why are you being such an asshole? VIC: [to Louise] You are a mess. LOUISE: And you're wonderful. A wonderful drug dealing, thieving murderer. LANCE: Oh, come on, guys. VIC: I was doing it for US. LOUISE: Who're you trying to kid? You don't give a shit about me. VIC: Not now I don't.          LOUISE: You know what? You make me wanna puke, you self-righteous dick! VIC: Ah, get lost! LOUISE: Stay away from me, you sick bastard! You're a                   phoney, Vic Vance. [Louise leaves] LANCE: What are you gonna do? VIC: Thanks a lot, Lance! LANCE: What?! Listen, who cares? It's my coke. It's all my coke, and I'll do with it whatever I damn well please! [Cut to Vic running after Lance outside] VIC: Lance, come back here! [Lance stops running] LANCE: Shut up! You're always telling me what to do! But if it wasn't       for me, we wouldn't have any of this! If I wanna take coke, I       will! If I wanna give it away, I will! And I'm gonna give it       away! All of it! And you can't stop me! VIC: Lance! Don't be stupid! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Lance is now in a helicopter. Vic gets in a hovercraft and chases Lance's helicopter. Lance drops packages and Vic collects them] 47) Where it Hurts Most (Lance) --- -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance are in Lance's apartment. Lance is lying on the sofa] LANCE: Oh, man, what month is it? Did I do anything stupid in the       last few days?    VIC: Stupid? Oh, no, no, no, you passed stupid and kept on going,        straight on into fucked up! [The phone rings. Vic answers it] LOUISE: [on phone] Lance? It's Louise. Where's Vic? I need him.    VIC: It's me, Louise. What is it? LOUISE: Vic? Oh, thank God. It's that Martinez. He must think we're         still an item.     VIC: Yeah? Well, we're not. LOUISE: For crying out loud, Vic, I didn't sleep with Lance; we're          just friends, which is more than you've been lately. You          never call, we never see each other...    VIC: Is this going somewhere? LOUISE: I just wanted you to know that Martinez's thugs have been         following me. And because I want to get back together, I'm         trying to avoid being killed. And now I'm hiding out round the back of some stupid burger bar, not that you'd give a         shit. VIC: What? Martinez sent guys after YOU? LOUISE: I don't even know why I called. I'm gonna kick their asses myself. VIC: Wait, wait, wait, Louise... Louise! Lance, you wanna help me        out? [sighs] Forget it. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the King Knut's burger bar in Little Haiti] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Louise? Hey, Louise? Are you there? [Three cars drive past. Louise is in one of them] LOUISE: Vic! Heeelp! [Three thugs appear behind Vic] THUG #1: Is that your bitch? She's Martinez's now. THUG #2: And you're gonna be ours. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes up to Downtown where he finds Louise in a car, injured] VIC: Louise! [Vic gets in the car and starts driving to the hospital] VIC: Hey, everything's gonna be OK. LOUISE: Vic... I knew you'd come. I think I need a doctor. [Vic takes Louise to the hospital] -CUTSCENE- VIC: I need some help over here! Come on, get a doctor! [A man runs over to the car] -END OF CUTSCENE- 48) Steal the Deal (Diaz) - -CUTSCENE- [Ricardo Diaz is putting money notes into a money counting machine in his mansion. He is also smoking a cigar. Vic enters and Diaz laughs] DIAZ: So, you're Vic.  VIC: Yeah. And you, you're Diaz? DIAZ: No, I'm Santa Claus. I heard a lot about you. Mr. Big. Buddies       with the Mendezes.   VIC: I don't think we're exactly friends. DIAZ: Whatever you say. I heard you wasn't exactly a load of laughs,       amigo, but crack a fucking smile. Life is amazing. Look at me.       I got porn, I got drugs, I got money. I'm happy.   VIC: That's cool. Well, I want out. I don't wanna sell drugs, but I       ain't got a choice right now. [Lance enters]  DIAZ: [to Lance] Jeez, Quentin, you didn't say your brother was such        a bore. LANCE: Vic!   VIC: Quentin? LANCE: Hey, good to see you, man. You know, Reni sent me. Me and         Ricardo have been hanging out. DIAZ: How was she? LANCE: Yeah, good. DIAZ: Oh, she knows a lot of tricks for such a young girl, eh? LANCE: Mm-mm-mm. VIC: Lance, you're pathetic. LANCE: What--? DIAZ: Yeah, Quentin. Only took you three minutes. [Diaz and Lance laugh] DIAZ: Have a cigar. Have a rail! LANCE: Thanks, don't mind if I do. [Lance goes for a smoke] DIAZ: So, you boys gonna help me out? LANCE: Sure, baby, we gonna make you a star! VIC: Shut up, you fool. [Diaz puts another note into the counting machine] VIC: [to Diaz] All right, what do you need? [In the background, we hear Lance smoking and sighing] DIAZ: Gonzalez thinks he can move product without paying me. He must be on something. [chuckles] He's hidden some shit offshore. Maybe you Vance boys can go get it. VIC: All right, fine. [to Lance] Come on, moron. [Vic and Lance head out] VIC: Vice is a big city. That shit could be anywhere. LANCE: This Gonzalez - would you recognise any of his men? VIC: Maybe. LANCE: Good! 'Cause if I was in the big city with just a few hours to       kill, I'd wanna get high with a brother, or get down with a         sister. And I know where the out-of-towners do both. Come on. Let's pop like Cola. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They head to the strip club in Ocean Beach. On the way...] VIC: Do you think we can trust Diaz? LANCE: My man Diaz is a businessman. VIC: Great. That's a 'no' then. [They reach the club] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: Keep your eyes peeled. If you see one of Gonzalez's men, holler. VIC: This is nuts. There's no way we're... [One of Gonzalez's men leaves the club] VIC: I don't believe it. That's one of his guys right there. LANCE: Man, I'm good. [chuckles] I scare myself sometimes. I'm        betting he takes us right to the merchandise. [The goon gets in a car] LANCE: Come on! Let's tail him. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They tail the goon] VIC: How did you know he'd be there? LANCE: All the out-of-towners go there to get high and get laid. I        did. [They goon stops just outside the fairground in Vice Point] -CUTSCENE- [The goon exits his car and walks towards a nearby jetty] -END OF CUTSCENE- [The goon is now on a jet ski. Vic gets on another jet ski] LANCE: Don't lose him, Vic! [Vic follows the goon to the water-houses south of Ocean Beach] -CUTSCENE- [The goon has left the jet ski and is walking along a pier. The camera slowly zooms in on a speedboat, which is where the product is stashed. Another speedboat drives past the camera, with a sentry on it] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic moves in closer and gets spotted by the sentries] SENTRY: Hey! He should not be here! [Vic gets in the boat] SENTRY: [if still alive] He's gonna get the yayo! [Vic heads back to Diaz's mansion] 49) The Exchange (Diaz) --- -CUTSCENE- [Diaz and two of his men are in Diaz's mansion] DIAZ: Let me try. [Diaz snorts some cocaine] DIAZ: Tastes fine. I can't tell. [Vic enters] DIAZ: Ah, Vic! Thank you, lord! At last, someone who isn't the       missing link.  VIC: Hey, Diaz. DIAZ: Let me try. [Diaz snorts some cocaine. He splutters] DIAZ: [to goon] If I wanted to snort milk, I'd go suck a       damn cow! Dickhead. Don't cut it so much!  VIC: What are you doing? DIAZ: I'm playing both sides. I make a little deal with the DEA. I        hand over 200 kilos of that cocaine you and Quentin stole from       Gonzalez... In exchange, they gonna give me some serious guns. [Diaz takes a pistol and swings it around the room, making Vic and  the goons duck] DIAZ: Not like this toy... [Diaz fires the gun] GOON: Holy...  VIC: OK... DIAZ: [laughs] But first, we cutting the cocaine, so they get 200 kilos, and I keep the rest, comprende? But we gotta get the mix right. Let me try. [Diaz snorts some cocaine] DIAZ: Perfect... All right, bag it up and load it into the truck for Vic, but leave a little out for me. I gotta unwind...  -END OF CUTSCENE- [Outside, Vic gets in a van with one of Diaz's goons] GOON: The boss had me come along in case you decided to drive off with his merchandise. Come on, let's get to the deal. [They drive to the meeting point in Downtown] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and the goon exit the van at the meeting point. Four more goons exit a car and walk up to them] GOON #1: Just in time, senor. The DEA will be here any minute with our guns. [The goon gets shot dead by a sniper] GOON #2: Get down! [Vic and the goons take cover] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic starts picking off the snipers] GOON: Look out! GOON: Snipers! They're all over! GOON: The deal's gonna be ruined! GOON: It's Gonzalez's men! [Vic kills all the snipers] -CUTSCENE- [The DEA enter the car park in a Landstalker jeep and a flatbed truck. All four DEA agents exit the jeep. One of them walks up to a goon] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the truck with a goon] GOON: Come on, senor. We've got the guns, but we're not home free yet. [When they reach the streets, Gonzalez's men start chasing and shooting at them] GOON: Just like I said, senor, here they come! [The goon shoots at Gonzalez's men] GOON: Die! GOON: Hijo de puta! [Vic manages to get the truck back to Diaz's mansion. He drives the truck inside the garage and walks out] 50) Farewell To Arms (Gonzalez) --- -CUTSCENE- [Diaz is talking to Gonzalez behind his mansion. Two of Diaz's men are with him. Vic is coming over]     DIAZ: Take the guns back to your Colonel. But remember, you            belong to me now. Any shipments you bring to Vice City come           through me. GONZALEZ: Si, si. No problem. [Vic comes over]     DIAZ: Vic! I was just talking to my new friend Gonzalez about           loyalty. How I will look after him so long as he does what           he's told. And you will do as you're told, won't you? GONZALEZ: Si, si.     DIAZ: Bueno. Escort him to the airport, Vic. Show him what it           means to be a friend of Ricardo Diaz... and what it is to           be an enemy.  [Cut to Gonzalez getting in a truck and driving off. A helicopter  takes off from the mansion's rooftop helipad] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic is riding shotgun in the helicopter. He uses an M249 to protect Gonzalez's truck from the attacking Sharks] -CUTSCENE- [Gonzalez drives into the airport. Gonzalez's men block off the entrance with trucks. A Gang Rancher drives towards the entrance, but it gets destroyed by Gonzalez's men] [Cut to Gonzalez driving inside a hangar] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic protects the airport entrances from the Sharks. The Sharks eventually enter the airport and chase Gonzalez's plane. Vic protects the plane while it speeds down the runway] -CUTSCENE- [Gonzalez's plane takes off] [Cut to Vic walking away from the helicopter. It takes off from the airport helipad just before the cutscene ends] -END OF CUTSCENE- 51) Burning Bridges (Mendez brothers) - -CUTSCENE- [Armando and Diego are in the Mendez mansion] ARMANDO: The rear guard advances, unstoppable. [Vic and Lance enter] ARMANDO: So, you are finished.     VIC: Yeah.  ARMANDO: Diego, they are finished.   DIEGO: Buenos. ARMANDO: And none of us dead. The civilised life of gentlemen. We           have our money, so you are free. You must leave town, of           course, and give us control of your other interests.      VIC: What? ARMANDO: But you, your families, no one will die. This is fair.   LANCE: Fair? Oh, yeah, if you think getting screwed in the ass and          then paying for it is fair, then it sounds like a great           deal. ARMANDO: I find your attitude and your language terribly distasteful.   DIEGO: Maricon...     VIC: Hey, hold on, hold on, listen, Mr. Mendez. Listen, I... WE           have done a lot of things for you. We kept up our end of the bargain, and now you want us to give up our interests? ARMANDO: You came to my town, you run around like a maniac, you bring the police and the DEA into my life, and now I want you gone. You're very lucky you're not dead. LANCE: Argh...     VIC: Hey, listen, I made a ton of money for you. Money I didn't         lose. ARMANDO: And now... you're done. LANCE: Aw... ARMANDO: You're obsolete. [A Mendez goon runs up behind Vic] LANCE: Look out, Vic, the mute! [The goon hits Vic on the back of the head with a pistol, knocking him unconscious. Another goon hits Lance in the face with a baseball bat, knocking him unconscious, too] [Cut to Vic and Lance lying in the fuel depot near the airport. They get up] VIC: Urgh, where are we? LANCE: No place good... I think we outlived our usefulness to the Mendezes. [Four armed Mendez goons are walking towards them] GOON #1: You! Shut up! GOON #2: Hey! They're waking up! Let's get this done quick. LANCE: Screw this! GOON #2: Die! [The goons fire at Vic and Lance. Vic and Lance dive out of the way. The bullets burst a fuel pipe. Flames shoot out of it, burning the goons to death. Lance is trapped behind the flames] LANCE: Vic! I'm trapped! Get me out of here! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic re-enters the depot and turns off the oil to rescue Lance] LANCE: Come on, man, let's go! [They get on a motorbike] LANCE: Come on! We're not gonna make it out of here! [They speed towards the exit] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance are speeding out of the exploding depot] LANCE: Woo-wee! Now that's what I'm talking about! [Cut to Vic and Lance standing outside the depot] VIC: Great. Now we're at war with the Mendez brothers. LANCE: It's all cool, bro. I'm a man with a plan. [laughs] Just give me a little time. -END OF CUTSCENE- 52) Blitzkrieg Strikes Again (Lance) This mission has an alternative opening, but we'll go over that at the end. Let's go over the main mission first. -CUTSCENE- [Phil Cassidy is playing with a pistol and an Uzi in Lance's  apartment. Vic enters] PHIL: Comrade! Come here!  VIC: What're you doing here? PHIL: I heard there was gonna be a party, so I brought fireworks!  VIC: Where's Lance? PHIL: I love that guy! Yeah! [Vic opens the door. Umberto enters] UMBERTO: There he is! [laughs] Mr. Victor Vance, the punk who needs           our help.     VIC: What? [Lance and a Cuban enter] UMBERTO: [to Vic] You grown any cojones yet, lady boy?   LANCE: Yo, bro. UMBERTO: [laughs] Come here, Vic. [Umberto gives Vic a hug]     VIC: Ah, wassup, man? UMBERTO: Your brother, man. [laughs] At least one of you who has           something up here and a lot down here, huh? [laughs]   LANCE: So if you guys are ready, let's do this. VIC: Hey, Lance, come here, man. LANCE: Yo, bro, wassup? VIC: What the hell is going on? LANCE: We're about to get hit by those Mendez guys; thought we          could use some of your buddies to crash the party. VIC: What? LANCE: Help out... What, did I do wrong again? VIC: No, no, no, no, man. For once, you did very right. Let's go         deal with these pricks. LANCE: Yeah! Let's pop! [laughs] [They all head out] [Cut to them outside. Vic and Lance are standing next to Lance's Infernus. The other guys get in a Gang Rancher] VIC: We should spread out and cover as much ground as we can. Let me     know if you need any help. [The other guys drive off] LANCE: Wait up. I'm gonna need some serious artillery for this gig. [Lance takes an M4 out of his car's boot] LANCE: Hello, Mr. M4! 'M' for Motherfucker! That's right! Let's go! [Lance gets in the car with Vic] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic and Lance go to defend the first business from the Mendez goons] LANCE: My name is Lance Vance! It's time to dance! LANCE: I'm lean and I'm mean, and I'm here to clean! LANCE: Come on, Vic. We've got 'em on the run. [They kill all the Mendez goons] LANCE: Man, we are the badasses on the block! Let's get to the next ass-kicking. Did you see me taking 'em down? I'm the black killa from Manila! The Manila Blilla! VIC: You're a blidiot. Now shut up. [They head to the next business and start defending it] LANCE: I'm the Lance Vance-erator! LANCE: Ain't nothing can hurt me! LANCE: I'll put you all in a Lance Vance trance! LANCE: They're running for it. It's time to turn up the pain! [They kill all the Mendez goons] LANCE: We rolled over them like a big, bad bowling ball. Let's find another lane of pain. Come on. Aw, man, this is easy. VIC: We've been lucky so far. Stop being such a dick, "Lance-erator". LANCE: I killed more than you. I should be in charge of this outfit. VIC: Bite me. [They head to the next business and start defending it] LANCE: Let's get after them. LANCE: Look at them run! [laughs] LANCE: We're kicking their asses! LANCE: I can't believe it. We're winning! [They kill all the Mendez goons] -CUTSCENE- LANCE: I just received a message from Umberto and Phil. They've been kicking asses, just like us. VIC: You mean we did it? We won? LANCE: Yeah! The Mendez brothers can kiss my ass. They thought they could take us down. VIC: This ain't over yet. LANCE: They're finished. We should take the fight to them, and I know just the man to make it happen. [Lance heads off] -END OF CUTSCENE- ALTERNATIVE OPENING: You need to take over at least seven businesses before you can do this mission, or you'll get an alternative opening: [Lance is lying on the sofa in his apartment. Vic enters] VIC: What're you doing slouching around in here? We're at war, dummy. LANCE: Yeah, and you're the soldier. So go, soldier. VIC: And what're you gonna do? LANCE: I'm a behind-the-scenes man. Infiltration, intelligence, logistics; you know what I'm saying? VIC: I'll tell you what - why don't you just stay here while I do       everything? LANCE: Can I get that in writing? [Vic heads out] 53) Lost and Found (Lance) -- -CUTSCENE- [Lance is in his apartment. Vic enters] LANCE: Hey, Vic... is Louise still in the hospital?  VIC: Yeah, but she'll be getting out soon. LANCE: That's good. Look, we got a big deal coming down today. I'm        gonna need you there.   VIC: Wait a minute. Why are you asking about Louise? LANCE: Take it easy. It's just that... You know, Martinez called and        he said that he's gonna "pay her a visit", and I don't think         he means to take some fruit.   VIC: What? LANCE: Look, the hospital's got security. She'll be fine. Let's you         and me just go make some money.   VIC: You're kidding, right? LANCE: Oh, man, get your priorities in order. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the hospital in Downtown] -CUTSCENE- [Louise is walking out of the hospital]    VIC: Louise... Heh, you look good. LOUISE: Thanks. I feel good.    VIC: You know, for a while, I thought I'd lost you. LOUISE: I thought I'd lost you. VIC: Look, I was angry. I shouldn't have said what I did. LOUISE: Me neither. VIC: You wanna do something fun? No business, just me and you? [Vic gets a pager message] VIC: Aw, nuts, it's Lance. What the hell?! "Trapped in a burning        building - bring a helicopter"? What can I do? LOUISE: Business can be fun. There's a helicopter on the roof of the hospital. We could take that. -END OF CUTSCENE- [They go up to the roof of the hospital] -CUTSCENE- [They get in the air ambulance on the roof] -END OF CUTSCENE- [They fly out to the burning building] LOUISE: There's the building. I can't see Lance, though. Get in         closer. [They get in closer. Lance is on the roof of the building] LOUISE: There he is! [Vic lands the helicopter on the roof] -CUTSCENE- VIC: [to Lance] Get in, you idiot! [Lance runs up to the helicopter] LOUISE: What happened? LANCE: Did you run into any trouble? No? Well, I did. Martinez set us up - divide and conquer. He got you out of the way and nearly nailed me. Martinez's men took everything... but we're         gonna get it back. They headed out to sea. Come on, let's get after them. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Lance is now in the helicopter. They fly out to the fleeing boats] LANCE: There they are! [Lance fires at them] LANCE: Yeah, not so clever now, huh? LANCE: Eat lead, sucker! LANCE: I got you, you mother! [Lance kills the goons on the boats] LANCE: Get me over that boat. It's got our money in it. [Vic positions the helicopter just above the Tropic boat] -CUTSCENE- [Lance jumps into the boat] LANCE: I'll see you cats later. Keep popping! [Lance heads off] -END OF CUTSCENE- VIC: I'm sorry. Things just keep cropping up. Maybe we can still have some fun. LOUISE: That's OK, Vic. I had fun. But I should be getting back to         Mary-Beth now. VIC: Oh, yeah. Sure. [Vic starts taking Louise home] LOUISE: It's a great view from up here! I think I see Mary-Jo's         place! There are some beautiful houses down there... Some real shit-holes, too. This is so cool, honey. [They land outside Mary-Jo's apartment] -CUTSCENE- [They have exited the helicopter] VIC: Louise, I'll call you real soon. LOUISE: Oh, OK. VIC: I'm kind of in the middle of a war right now. LOUISE: It's OK. I'll wait. -END OF CUTSCENE- 54) So Long Schlong (Reni) -- -CUTSCENE- [Reni is in the office in Interglobal Studios] RENI: Farewell, faithful friend. The phoenix must burn first before      she rises... Such is life... [Vic enters]  VIC: Reni, hey, what's wrong? RENI: Darling, he wants me dead!  VIC: Who? RENI: Diego Mendez, that's who.   VIC: Why? RENI: Because I put you in contact with Ricardo Diaz; said it was        disloyal of me. Not as disloyal as him two-timing me with that       tramp.  VIC: Whoa, wait, you guys were an item? RENI: Yes, but I could not deal with him. He talked too much. Beat        me, Reni. Spank me, Reni. Blow coke up my ass, Reni. It was too       goddamn much. [Vic laughs]  VIC: Diego Mendez? [laughs] Jeez... RENI: So now I must go to Dr. Horowitz. He's a genius. Tomorrow, new       Reni!  VIC: [sighs] You're not having another sex change? RENI: I only have three. Oh, please, darling, save me! [Reni hugs Vic] [Cut to Vic and Reni walking outside] RENI: Diego's men will be here any second. I just know it. VIC: I'll hold them up. You'll have to find your own way to the hospital. RENI: Find my own way? But darling, I always have. [Reni gets in a car and drives off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic holds off Diego's goons. He eventually gets a pager message from Reni] RENI: [pager] They've found me! Help me darling! I'm near the Malibu... [Vic goes to save Reni] -CUTSCENE- [Reni is crouching behind a car. Mendez goons are shooting at him/her] GOON: You're gonna die, you freak of nature! RENI: Freak? I'm an artist. I'm sensitive... And I'm going to kill all of you fucking filthy fuckers! [Three more goons run across a basketball court] RENI: Vic, save me! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the goons] -CUTSCENE- RENI: This gun makes me feel so masculine. Make love to me, Vic. VIC: Let's just get to the hospital. [Vic and Reni get in a car] RENI: Then you will make love to me, no? VIC: No. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic starts driving Reni to the hospital. On the way, Mendez goons chase and shoot at them] RENI: All this macho bullshit. I'll be glad when I'm a woman. VIC: Keep your head down! RENI: In your lap, darling? VIC: On second thoughts, keep shooting. [They reach the hospital] -CUTSCENE- [They are walking towards the hospital] RENI: Ooh... All that shooting. I'm so turned on, Dr. Horowitz is       going to need a chainsaw to cut through this wood. VIC: Man, I do not want to know. -END OF CUTSCENE- 55) Domo Arigato Domestoboto (Diaz) --- -CUTSCENE- [Diaz and Lance are in Diaz's mansion. Diaz is smoking a joint] DIAZ: So, we got a deal, Q? LANCE: We got a deal, baby! [Lance shakes hands with Diaz, who laughs] LANCE: We'll repay you everything we borrowed at 25% interest a week,        or we work for you.  DIAZ: Yeah. Salut. LANCE: Cheers! [They make a toast] LANCE: That's good stuff.  DIAZ: Or I kill you and your brother with a blunt instrument. [They both laugh. Vic enters]  DIAZ: Vic! We were just talking about you. LANCE: Yeah!  DIAZ: Yeah.   VIC: Yeah?  DIAZ: About you boys repaying that money I lent you.   VIC: What fucking money? Hey, what's he talking about? LANCE: Look, I borrowed some money for us from Ricardo and we're         gonna pay him back, OK?   VIC: What the fuck have you done now? LANCE: I invested back in the business. I'm sorry, Ricardo baby, but        sometimes brothers get alpha male on you, you know. DIAZ: I know. That's why I killed mine. Boys, relax. Just go do that thing for me and all will be good. LANCE: Yeah... DIAZ: For now. VIC: Wait, what is he talking about? LANCE: Look, Ricardo wants us to destroy all of Armando Mendez's        bearer bonds. I know it sounds risky, but trust me. I got it... I got it going, 'cause I done this a million times. [Lance lies down on a sofa] LANCE: Let's just pop, baby... You know... Let's just... pop... [Lance falls asleep] VIC: [sighs] Guess I'm doing this one on my own. [Diaz laughs. Vic heads out] [Cut to Vic meeting a Vance Crime Family goon outside] GOON: Hey, boss. Have you seen Lance? VIC: Unfortunately, yes. What is it? GOON: Some high-tech gear he ordered. It's up near the Mendez mansion, ready to go. VIC: What high-tech gear? What's it for? GOON: Er, Lance said something about getting around Mendez's       security; destroying their bonds or something. VIC: Leave it with me. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in the van parked near the Mendez mansion] -CUTSCENE- [Armando is sitting in the living room in the Mendez mansion] ARMANDO: Domestobot! Where are you? How did Diego talk me into buying that electric trash can? [Cut to the Domestobot upstairs] DOMESTOBOT: Domestobot loves cleaning. [Phzzzt!] Remote control override! I live to serve. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic uses the Domestobot to crack Armando's safe and burn the bearer bonds] -CUTSCENE- [Armando is shooting the Domestobot] ARMANDO: Domestobot! You lousy piece of crap! You've ruined me! DOMESTOBOT: Do you require a light? -END OF CUTSCENE- 56) In The Air Tonight (Reni) - -CUTSCENE- [Reni, Barry and Phil Collins are in the hospital. Reni has had her sex change. Vic enters] RENI: Vic! Darling! How do I look?  VIC: Uh, different. RENI: Fantastische! I was just telling Barry he should get some       implants. [Vic laughs] BARRY: Ha, ha, flipping ha.   VIC: Great. Hey, Phil, you ready for the concert? How's everything        looking? *PHIL: Good... I think. Unless Barry's got some more surprises in         store. [Reni laughs] BARRY: [to Phil] Hold on, mucker, you are gonna have to stop giving         me a hard time. *PHIL: No worries. You stop having me killed, and I'll stop         complaining about it. BARRY: Vic dealt with that... that teething trouble. This is rock and        roll, son, not flipping flower arranging. *PHIL: Oh, do shut up. Listen, we've got work to do. Vic, we'll see         you at the gig. Reni, it's, uh... been an experience. I'll        make sure Barry calls you. BARRY: Phil! Philip! [Phil and Barry head out] RENI: Darlings, I love you both! Vic, can you drive me to the airport on your way to the gig? VIC: Heh! Sure, sure. [Reni laughs excitedly] VIC: Come on. [laughs] -END OF CUTSCENE- RENI: I had a few extra stitches put in down below, darling. I'm a      virgin; shiny and new. You could be my first. VIC: Dude, please, shut up. [Vic starts taking Reni to the airport. On the way, Mendez goons chase and shoot at them] RENI: Not again! RENI: I don't want to die a virgin! [They reach the airport] -CUTSCENE- [Vic and Reni are walking towards the terminal] VIC: So you're really leaving? RENI: I have no choice, darling. Diego will never stop looking for me. Once you've been with Reni, nothing compares. Besides, I'm      through with advertising - it's so morally bankrupt. I'm going to Europe to conquer the exotic adult movie business. VIC: Europeans like women with big hands and stubble? RENI: Of course! We are more sophisticated than you Americans, darling. I know you want me, but Reni, she must go. [Reni enters the terminal] RENI: Goodbye, darling! I'll send you my tapes! Think of me often! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic goes to the Phil Collins concert at the stadium] -CUTSCENE- [Vic walks up to the stadium entrance] [Cut to Phil's band, Genesis, on stage. Vic and Barry are backstage] BARRY: Where've you been? Phil's already on. I'm shitting bricks here, mate. Giorgio's definitely going to try something. VIC: Keep your pants on. I'll make my way down front and keep an       eye on things. [Vic heads down front. A Forelli goon is up on the light rig above the stage. We see the goon cutting a cable on the light rig] -END OF CUTSCENE- [The concert starts. Vic stops the goons from sabotaging the light rig] -CUTSCENE- [Phil comes onto the stage, singing 'In The Air Tonight'] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic continues stopping the goons from sabotaging the light rig] -CUTSCENE- [We see the rest of the concert] [Cut to Vic and Barry backstage] BARRY: Mate, that's it. I'm paying Giorgio back. It's gonna cost me a       bloody fortune. You know he wants 60% interest. What can I        do? I've got to think of me boy's wellbeing. [Phil comes over] *PHIL: Hi, Vic. What did you think of the show? VIC: Killer. *PHIL: Cheers. Hey, Barry, I'm glad you're thinking of my wellbeing. I could do with a break. BARRY: No, mate, we should be moving on; strike while the iron's hot. The U.S. loves you! *PHIL: But I'm booked in at the hotel for another week. I was going to work on the tan. BARRY: You're kidding! You gotta go to work, mate! I've just lined up       a rake of shows. Loads of dosh... *PHIL: And what about my wellbeing? [Phil and Barry start walking off] BARRY: Trust me, you'll thank me. Don't get all histrionic... *PHIL: Histrionic? I've spent the last few days being chased around the city by a maniac. I've been shot at and nearly blown up. BARRY: See what I mean? Bloody celebrities... *PHIL: Hey, Vic, have you ever thought about a career in management? BARRY: Hold up, boy, I'm your management! *PHIL: Yeah - Miss Management. Or was that just Reni's name for you? You should have got those false tits, mate, just like Reni suggested. They'd look great alongside that real one you're        using for your head! -END OF CUTSCENE- 57) Light My Pyre (Lance) - -CUTSCENE- [Lance is in his apartment. Vic enters]  VIC: Louise! LANCE: Hey, Vic.   VIC: Hey. Hey, where's Louise? LANCE: I don't know. Shit, if that bitch ripped us off, I'll rip her        head off.   VIC: Hey, she's clean, unlike you. LANCE: No, she is a drug addict. I'm just having fun. There is a         difference. [Mary-Jo enters] MARY-JO: Vic! Vic! They got Louise!      VIC: What? MARY-JO: They had me, too. It was awful!     VIC: Who? MARY-JO: All these men; all sweaty and hot, and, well, nobody laid a          finger on me, but they got Louise!     VIC: Who's got Louise? MARY-JO: They got her, and they said they'll kill her if you don't do          what they want.     VIC: Who?! MARY-JO: Armando Mendez! [Vic and Lance groan] MARY-JO: He wanted me, too - I could see it in his eyes... Those           Latino men always like the voluptuous women. I nearly got taken! VIC: All right. Come on, Lance. Let's finish this. LANCE: Why? She's a train wreck. Let him have her. VIC: What? Are you serious? LANCE: Yeah, move on. Plenty more fishes in the sea, baby. VIC: You, get moving right now or I shoot you first. LANCE: Alright, alright, I'm coming, I'm coming. Don't worry about it. [Vic and Lance head out] MARY-JO: Wait! I'm telling you, it WAS nearly me! One day, it'll be          me. [upset] One day... [Cut to Vic and Lance running through the garage] VIC: Come on, move it, Lance! LANCE: Man, we're wasting our time. The bitch is dead already. [Two Mendez goons are standing next to a car on the street] GOON: Armando's got two things to say! One - "Get out of Vice now and      the girl lives." And two... [The goon destroys Lance's car with a rocket launcher] LANCE: My car! [The goons drive off. Lance gets on his motorbike and speeds off] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic catches up with Lance and protects him from the chasing Mendez goons] LANCE: I'm gonna tear Mendez apart! LANCE: No one does that to my wheels! LANCE: He's gonna be sorry he ever messed with me! -CUTSCENE- [Lance speeds over the bridge to Prawn Island] [Cut to Lance parked near the Mendez mansion] LANCE: It's time for some Vance vengeance, baby! [Lance rides towards the mansion. Mendez goons are all over the mansion and are shooting at Lance. Armando is standing on a balcony] ARMANDO: Do not let them in! [Lance speeds into the mansion grounds. A car blocks the entrance] ARMANDO: Barricade the doors! Kill them! [Lance gets off his bike] LANCE: You're mine, mother-sucker! ARMANDO: Kill this idiot! [Lance runs after Armando] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic enters the mansion grounds. The goons shoot at him] GOON: Kill him! GOON: Die! GOON: I got him! GOON: Get him! GOON: He's mine! [Vic enters the mansion] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Louise? Lance? [Armando enters the room, armed with a flamethrower] ARMANDO: Do you think you're hero enough to bring back the dead? VIC: Where are they, Armando? ARMANDO: They're upstairs, resting... in peace. Would you like to          join them? VIC: If you've hurt them... [Armando points the flamethrower at him] ARMANDO: Senor, I assure you, they didn't feel a thing. Unfortunately, the same will not be said of you. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills Armando] -CUTSCENE- [Lance and Louise are lying in a room, wounded. Vic enters] VIC: Louise! [Vic runs up to Louise] LOUISE: Hey... Vic... You came for me... No one ever really did much for me before... That's s-sweet of you...   VIC: Hey, hey, come on, listen, let's get you to a hospital. LOUISE: I don't think... there's much point in that. VIC: Come on, Louise... LOUISE: We could have had s-something special...   VIC: Yeah... No, we did have something special. LOUISE: Make sure Mary-Jo takes care of my baby... [Louise dies] VIC: Oh, Louise... [upset] Louise... [Vic walks away from her] LANCE: Hey, Vic, I know you cared about her, man... but she wasn't       right for you. [Vic exits the room] LANCE: Vic... [Lance gets up] LANCE: Hey, Vic... Family is what matters. Oh... damn. [Lance starts staggering out of the room] LANCE: A'ight... A'ight... OK, I'm gonna make it. I can make it. I       know I can, man. -END OF CUTSCENE- 58) Over the Top (Diaz) --- -CUTSCENE- [Diaz is in his mansion. Vic enters] DIAZ: Ah, Vic Vance! You ready? VIC: What's going on, Diaz?  DIAZ: It's time for you to revenge the death of that girl of yours,         and bring the whole Mendez operation down! [laughs] You want a       bump, man?  VIC: No. DIAZ: Well, I do. [Diaz snorts some cocaine]  VIC: Ah, Jesus. DIAZ: My spies tell me everything. This is the plan. The army just       took delivery of some new attack helicopters. Meanwhile, Diego       Mendez thinks he's untouchable just because no one could get        him from the ground. So...  VIC: So, how about I sneak into the army base, steal a chopper and        use that to attack him? DIAZ: [laughs] Si, senor.  VIC: Si, senor? Are you kidding me?! [Diaz snorts some cocaine]  VIC: That coke is doing something to your brain, buddy. DIAZ: No, it just helps me think... and get it on. It'll be easy, but you'll need help. Er... what about Quentin? He can fly. VIC: No thanks. I know - what about this guy Phil? He's an old army buddy of mine. DIAZ: I love him. Go get him. VIC: All right. DIAZ: This is it, man. No more Mendez - no more trouble for us! [laughs] [Vic heads out. Diaz snorts more cocaine] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic heads to Phil Cassidy's place. Diego Mendez's goons attack him on the way, but he kills them] -CUTSCENE- [A drunken Phil is sitting in his place. Vic walks up to him] VIC: Phil... I don't know what to say. I'm going after Diego Mendez. I wouldn't ask for help if I didn't need it, but I need it. There's an attack copter up at the base. If I can get hold of       it... PHIL: [burps] You need a decoy... And I've got all the decoy you're      gonna need. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic gets in Phil's truck with Phil. There are explosives in the back. They start heading to Fort Baxter. On the way...] PHIL: I, I, I, uh, I... I can't believe she's gone. Sorry, Vic. She was a good soldier... A, a good sister, I mean. [They reach Fort Baxter] -CUTSCENE- [Vic has left the truck] VIC: You're not gonna do anything stupid, are you, man? PHIL: We're breaking into a military base, and I'm drunk. What could be more stupid? Don't worry about me, don't worry about me. [Phil drives the truck towards the base entrance. He bails out] PHIL: Louiiiiiise! [The truck hits the gates and explodes] PHIL: Yee-haaaw! Suck on that! -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic sneaks over the wall and into the base. He enters the admin building and opens the helicopter pad gate] -CUTSCENE- [The helicopter pad gate opens. There is a Hunter on the pad. A soldier runs towards it] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic leaves the admin building, steals the Hunter and takes it to Diaz's mansion. He lands it on the rooftop helipad] -CUTSCENE- [Vic is walking away from the Hunter] -END OF CUTSCENE- 59) Last Stand (Diaz) - -CUTSCENE- [Diaz, a goon and the Hunter are on the rooftop helipad of Diaz's mansion. Vic appears] DIAZ: Mendez is Downtown. His place is like a fortress; but this        baby, she'll tear the whole building down.  VIC: Great. When I'm done, we're done. Lance and I will owe you       nothing. DIAZ: When you're done, I'm gonna own this town. It's the American       dream. And it's all because of you, Vic. You're a hero. [Vic gets in the Hunter]  VIC: No, I'm an asshole. I've spent all my time running around,       making morons rich, while my family fell apart, and the woman I       wanted died waiting for me to call. DIAZ: Woman? You need some porn? I just got in some crazy donkey        porn. You'll love it. I'll be finished with it by the time you       get back.  VIC: I'm not coming back, Diaz. And I'm not doing this for you; I'm       doing it for me. DIAZ: Woohoo! Whatever you say, tough guy. I'll see you around. [laughs] [Diaz walks away from the Hunter] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic flies out to the Mendez building in Downtown. He starts killing the guards inside] VIC: Yeah! VIC: Eat this! VIC: I'm coming for you, Mendez! VIC: Come on, Mendez, where are you? VIC: What you got to say about that, you mute motherfucker? [Vic kills all the guards] -CUTSCENE- [Guards fire at the Hunter from inside the building. One of them blasts the Hunter with a rocket launcher] VIC: Oh, shit! [Vic lands on the roof of the building] [Cut to Vic walking away from the burning Hunter. It explodes] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic enters the building and kills the guards on each floor] -CUTSCENE- [A helicopter lands on the roof. Martinez gets out, armed with an AK- 47] MARTINEZ: Looks like Vic's partying without me! [to pilot] Sweep the building. Flush that turd up to the roof so I can finish this. [The helicopter flies away] [Cut to Diego and two guards hiding beside a door. The door opens, and Vic guns down one of the guards] DIEGO: Correnle! [Diego and the guard run] -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills the remaining guards and destroys the helicopter. He then heads up to the roof] -CUTSCENE- [Vic walks onto the roof. Martinez appears behind him] MARTINEZ: Ten-hut! [laughs] Vic, I swear to God, I thought you were gonna salute me! Toss the gun! VIC: Fuck you. MARTINEZ: Vic... Still so uptight. You know what your problem is? You're trying to be the good guy in a bad man's game. Huh... I thought you had potential. Turns out you're just another chump... like Mendez. [Diego is standing nearby, pointing his AK-47 at Martinez] DIEGO: Me cago en tu madre! MARTINEZ: [to Diego] Oye ese! Que hay de nuevo? DIEGO: Veta a la mierda! MARTINEZ: You first. -END OF CUTSCENE- [Vic kills Martinez and Diego] -CUTSCENE- VIC: Thanks for everything, Martinez. You were a great help! [Vic throws a pistol onto the floor, and spits on Martinez's dead body. A helicopter lands on the roof. An armed Lance exits it] LANCE: OK, brother, let's waste these punks! VIC: Lance, it's done! LANCE: Playtime is over, bitches! Lance Vance is about to get brutal on you, and when Lance Vance gets brutal on a lady, somebody starts to cry! VIC: Lance, Lance, will you shut up? It's over! LANCE: What? Oh. Well, we did it, baby! You and me! [Vic and Lance laugh and hug] VIC: Yeah! Hey, hey, hey, listen, listen. Now that things are straight with Diaz, we should get out of town, or lay low for a little while, you know? LANCE: Yeah, you're right, man. VIC: Look, I'm gonna send some money to Pete. LANCE: Cool. But bro, I don't want you thinking it's just about you; that it's all about you. VIC: Hey, hey, hey, I don't, I don't. It's about you, me, Pete, Mom, wherever the hell she is... LANCE: But wait, I been making moves. I got hold of 20 keys, man! VIC: Are you crazy? Get rid of it! LANCE: No. All we gotta do is sit on it. It's hidden out of sight, out of town, man. We lay low and then sell it. VIC: No! No, no. I am not interested, got it? LANCE: OK, man. Whatever you say. VIC: That's right. LANCE: Come on, let's pop. [They get in the helicopter and fly away] [The credits roll] -END OF CUTSCENE- - e) Pager messages - Between missions, you will receive messages on your pager. [After completing "Cleaning House"] AUNT ENID: Don't get into any trouble Victor. We're counting on             you... Lance says hi. [After completing "Cholo Victory"] PHIL: My sister's husband, Marty, is looking for good guys like        you... [After completing "Boomshine Blowout"] AUNT ENID: Has your brother been in touch? He hasn't done his             chores... again. [After completing "Truck Stop"] LANCE: Hey Bro'. Aunt Enid's driving me crazy. Can I join you? Let's        double-team that town... [After completing "Fear the Repo"] LOUISE: Drop by, if you get time... [After completing "Marked Men"] MARTINEZ: You and Phil are still on my shit list. You'd better leave            town while you can... [After completing "Takin' Out the White Trash"] LOUISE: Can you come over? We've got trouble with Marty...   [After completing "To Victor, the Spoils"] VCTN: You have a visitor waiting for you at the airport. Have a good day. [After completing "Jive Drive"] UMBERTO: So you're running Marty's gang now. We need to talk... [After completing "Hose the Hoes"] AUNT ENID: I hear you've got a girl. Don't spend all your money on            her, you've got family obligations... [After completing "Robbing the Cradle"] LOUISE: Vic. I just wanted to say thanks... Don't be a stranger... [After completing "The Audition"] LANCE: I've dropped off the car Bro'. See you at Forbes place... [After completing "Money for Nothing"] LANCE: I don't trust Forbes, man. Meet me up at the Arena... [After completing "Caught as an Act"] AUNT ENID: Have you seen your cokehead mother? She just left town... [After completing "The Bum Deal"] AUNT ENID: Lance tells me he's running things down there. He's a good kid... [After completing "From Zero to Hero"] LOUISE: Lance tells me you're gonna be rich... Does that mean you don't have time for me no more? [After completing "Brawn of the Dead"] SPITZ: If you wanna film 'snow-white', see Reni up at the Film Studios. [After completing "Brawn of the Dead" and taking over five businesses] LANCE: You better get over here pronto...      [After completing "Blitzkrieg"] MENDEZ: I believe we have mutual interests. Call on us - soon. [After completing "Hostile Takeover"] LANCE: Get your ass over here, Bro'! [After completing "Turn on, Tune in, Bug out"] RENI: Darling! I have a lucrative contact for you. Hugs X [After completing "Kill Phil"] GONZALEZ: Victor. My friend. Come and see me. [After completing "Home's on the Range"] LANCE: Watch your back Bro'. Word on the street is - Martinez has split from FED protection... [After completing "Kill Phil: Part 2"] RENI: I've told Ricardo Diaz good things about you pumpkin. He wants to meet... remember darling, you owe me. [After completing "Taking the Fall"] MENDEZ: Our 'product' is still going missing. Don't fuck with us         Vic... resolve this situation. [After completing "White Lies" MARTINEZ: Hey, Vic. I'm back in town. How's that lady of yours? Think I might pay her a visit... [After completing "Where it Hurts Most"] MARTINEZ: Louise was real sweet to me man. Tell her I'll see her again, real soon... [After completing "The Exchange"] GONZALEZ: Vic. My old friend. I'd appreciate your help one last time. Please... Please... [After completing "Farewell To Arms"] MENDEZ: It is time we talked. Come and see us... [After completing "Burning Bridges" and taking over seven businesses] LANCE: The shit's about to hit the fan Bro'. But, I got us covered... [After completing "Blitzkrieg Strikes Again"] RENI: Darling! I need you Vic. I need you now, more than ever. Come to me, my Nubian Adonis... [After completing "Lost and Found"] MARTINEZ: You were lucky Vic, but you've got shit for brains. Just remember - luck runs out... [After completing "Domo Arigato Domestoboto"] PHIL: Thanks for looking after Louise, man. I appreciate it. Any time I can help - just call... [After completing "In The Air Tonight"] LOUISE: It's time we went on a real date, Mr. ...I guess you'll be at        Lance's, like usual. See you there X [After completing "Light My Pyre"] DIAZ: One bastard Mendez down - one to go! I know just the way to      smoke him out... [After completing "Over the Top"] MARTINEZ: It's time to settle things between you and me. I'll be          seeing you real soon Vic... --- f) News reports --- Between/during missions, you will hear news reports on the radio, concerning events that happened during previously completed missions. Note: The newscaster is female. [After completing "Soldier"] "Weather forecasters are predicting a stormy time ahead for Vice City  as Hurricane Gordy threatens to make landfall in the South Keys. City  officials have taken the usual precautionary measure of closing all  bridges from the mainland to Ocean Beach and Vice Point; and all  flights to and from Escobar International Airport have been halted  until further notice. For more news updates, stay tuned to Vice News  Network." [After completing "Boomshine Blowout"] "This just in. A gang-related arson attack rocks Little Havana. The  rundown Latin district grows alarmingly more violent every day, as  gangs from different communities vie for control of its streets.  Firefighters apologised for their late arrival at the scene, blaming the hectic training program of their new fire helicopter service soon to be unveiled in the city. VNN. News on the hour, every hour, regardless." [After completing "Waking Up the Neighbours"] "Breaking news. Citizens of Little Havana and Little Haiti were rudely awakened this morning as gang violence tore through their neighbourhoods. Though the districts persistently play host to gang fighting, unsubstantiated reports suggest a lone killer was responsible for these attacks. More later. VNN. Keeping it real simple, just for you." [After completing "Nice Package"] "Street rage descended on Vice City today as some drivers succumbed to the desire to ram and chase each other at high speed. Witnesses in Downtown reported that some drivers were even seen to be discharging firearms at one another. Our legal team, Rosenberg & Company, urged citizens to quote the Second Amendment should they face charges. VNN. Thinking for you, so you don't have to." [After completing "Havana Good Time"] "Once again, the streets of Little Havana erupt in gang violence as more explosions rock the neighbourhood. Reliable sources close to local gangs claim this latest outrage marks the end of gang warfare in the district as the Cuban factions are at last united behind one leader, Umberto Robina. More updates to follow. VNN. Filling your empty heads with news candy." [After completing "The Audition"] "Police hunting two accomplices involved in the King Knut's burger bar hold-up in Downtown today have expressed confidence that in this case they can turn the tide of Vice City's rising crime wave. The hapless thieves fled the crime scene empty-handed, leaving their masked friends behind to face the full force of the law. VNN. Easy to digest reportertainment." [After completing "Caught as an Act"] "Vice City civilians had a pleasant surprise today when an unknown philanthropist tossed cash from his car onto the streets. The police would like to talk to the kind-hearted driver with regard to littering charges and several hit-and-runs. If you have any information as to his whereabouts, call us on 555-FUNDUS. VNN. Cashing in the chips of truth." [After completing "From Zero to Hero"] "After being poised on the verge of evacuation, Vice City finally breathes a sigh of relief today as meteorologists report Hurricane Gordy will bypass the state without incident. All bridges to Ocean Beach and Vice Point have now been reopened, and flights to and from Escobar International Airport have recommenced. VNN. Where good news is no news." [After completing "Brawn of the Dead"] "Vice City's screen profile steps up a notch as Interglobal Film Studios begins shooting a series of action-packed commercials on our streets over the next few weeks. The studio, about to wrap filming on their zombie movie epic, Mall Munchers, has apologised for disturbances to the normal flow of city life caused by their work. VNN. Switch off before you switch on." [After completing "Blitzkrieg"] "Police Commissioner McGinley was warned by municipal officers today that the recent spate of gang attacks on businesses across the city are likely to be the primary engagements in what may become an all- out war against the city's criminal underworld. The commissioner responded that he would assess the situation when he gets back from his annual leave next month. VNN. Where complacency IS the answer." [After completing "Taking the Fall"] "Gang war intensifies on Vice City streets as many members of the biker gang were viciously slain in Downtown today. Initially, police believed the killings to be drug related. However, forensics have found no evidence of narcotics at the crime scene, and can only conclude that the motive was purely inner-gang rivalry. VNN. Wringing lies from the scrawny neck of truth." [After completing "The Exchange"] "Law enforcement officers announced the seizure of a large drug haul today as 199 kilos of uncut cocaine was captured entering the country. Agents involved in the swoop were praised for their professionalism by Police Commissioner McGinley who added, "To be seen as winning the war on drugs is just as important as actually  winning the war." VNN. Hustling raw news to green public." [After completing "Burning Bridges"] "News just in. Chaos descended on Vice City's lower west side today when fuel containers at Escobar International Airport unexpectedly ignited, causing thousands of dollars in damage and interrupted flights to and from the airport. Escobar officials have warned travellers that missed flights due to the explosion cannot be reimbursed. They also expressed deep sympathy for those people killed in the blast. VNN. Now that's a spicy news ball." [After completing "Blitzkrieg Strikes Again"] "Drug war brought Vice City to a standstill today after weeks of escalating violence amongst the criminal underworld finally came to a  head. Widespread conflict was witnessed across many districts as gangs fought each other to a standstill over the control of drug trafficking in the city. Stay tuned for further updates. VNN. News coming straight in your face." [After completing "Light My Pyre"] "News of a vicious and unprovoked assault on the Prawn Island home of Vice City's philanthropist brothers, Armando and Diego Mendez, is  just reaching us. A drug-crazed maniac is alleged to have fought his way onto their well-guarded estate and assassinated the elder brother, Armando. The whereabouts and conditions of Diego Mendez is still unknown at this time. VNN. Dredging for rumours off the gossip coast." [After completing "Over the Top"] "The army has been left with egg on its face today after admitting an attack helicopter was stolen from their military base, north of  Escobar International Airport. Senior officers have said the thief should be regarded as most definitely armed and dangerous, and urged him to do the right thing: return their chopper then turn himself in, please. VNN. Making and breaking the news." [After completing "Last Stand"] "A stolen military helicopter demolished the upper floors of the Mendez Foundation's Downtown building today. Reports filtering in tell of numerous casualties. Diego Mendez himself is said to be amongst the dead. Underworld sources say this was a legitimate hit on the Mendez brothers, whom they allege were two of Vice City's chief crime lords. Police have warned the public to remain vigilant as the assassin and thief are still at large. VNN. A no-snooze news channel." --- g) Contact info --- Spotted a mistake? Did I miss out something? Then email me at stuart@summers5.eclipse.co.uk If you spot a mistake or something I missed out, I will put you in  the credits. If I don't reply to emails for quite a while, I may be away, or the  message may have been filtered to my spam box. Don't be afraid to  email me twice.  And PLEASE, be polite! - h) End of FAQ and credits - Well, we've reached the end! I hope you've enjoyed reading the script  for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories. Before we go, here are the  credits: Thanks to my dad for getting me this game. Thanks to YouTube for hosting videos of the game missions (this  helped me write down the script more easily). Thanks to Rockstar Games, Rockstar Leeds and Rockstar North for  making this game. Thanks to myself for making this masterpiece. Thanks to GameFaqs for posting this FAQ. And that's all, folks! See you again soon...

HOW MANY HOLES IN A POLO?



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[[Category:Voila! Finally, the Bee Movie script is here for all you fans of the Jerry Seinfeld animated movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I stil]]

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