Commentary Critters: Game Dude's Mario Kart Review

This is the pilot episode of Sophie and PB&J's Rotten Reviews.

Cast

 * Jenell Slack-Wilson as Sophie the Otter
 * Pierce Gagnon as Peanut Otter
 * Ava Acres as Jelly Otter
 * Zoey Vargas as Baby Butter Otter
 * Alexander Badr (Game Dude) as himself (archived footage)

Transcript
Sophie: "Hello there, folks! This is Sophie Otter."

Peanut: "I'm Peanut Otter!"

Jelly: "My name's Jelly Otter," (picks up Baby Butter) "And this is my baby sister Butter!"

Baby Butter: "Hi!"

Sophie: "Today, we're going to tackle Game Dude's review of the Mario Kart series. This might surprise you, but I used to be a huge fan of Game Dude. Looking back, however, I actually--Nevermind. You'll find out later on. The only Mario Kart games I have played are Mario Kart Wii, Mario Kart 7, Mario Kart Super Circuit, and Mario Kart DS."

Peanut: "We know that Game Dude is rarely around on YouTube these days and that this video seems old, but it doesn't mean we can't tear it apart."

Jelly: "So, how does Game Dude's review hold up? The only way to get to the bottom of this is to watch the video while pointing out anything that's obviously right or wrong."

Sophie: "Let the video begin!"

Baby Butter: "Wet's go!" (Let's go!)

(The video begins)

Game Dude: "Super Mario Kart and Mario Kart 64 are classic masterpieces. Every single square inch is enriched including the incredible old school Mario music contains a magical dream-like Mario Kart atmosphere far grander than the equally amazing Advanced, DS, Cubed and Wii."

Sophie: "A statement that's practically in nearly every Game Dude review is the opinion of classic games containing their own dreamlike atmosphere."

Jelly: "On a side note, he's comparing the first two Mario Kart games to later ones. You know, Alex, older doesn't mean better, and newer doesn't mean worse."

Game Dude: "They're too busy, silly, and different, and don't truly feel like Mario Kart!"

Baby Butter: "Stop!"

Peanut: "Baby Butter is right. First of all, how are they busy, silly, and different? It's best if you went into detail on that. Oh, and what's wrong with difference? They help add the variety to prevent the series from getting stale, repetitive, and boring. They do need change every now and then, you know, just to keep them fresh."

Sophie: "Also, they still feel like Mario Kart to me. I mean, do you use items to attack other racers? Does it have Mario characters? Does it have karts for crying out loud?!"

Game Dude: "The classics are refreshingly simpler and have a sense of maturity. You don't get any more Mario Kart than this. This...Is...Mario Kart."

Jelly: "How are they simpler and have maturity? Please, explain!"

Game Dude: "Double Dash is just one big silly playground, AND THE CHARACTER SELECTION IS DILUTED WITH A MASSIVE PILE OF WATERY HIPPOPOTAMUS DIARRHEA!"

Sophie: "Another issue is the excessive use of animal references for humor, which are usually associated with toilet jokes in the Game Dude reviews. Not only do they get stale quickly, but are also shoehorned to feel like Game Dude is trying to be his idol, the Angry Video Game Nerd. Sorry, Alex, but you're trying way too hard and you ended up ripping him off."

Game Dude: "Why have Daisy, Baby Mario, and Baby Luigi when there's Peach, Mario, and Luigi? Diddy Kong and Birdo never came from Mario. Remember Toadette from before? I sure don't. And why the fuck are there two random bosses?"

Peanut: "Look, every character in one way or another has a connection to the Mario series. Daisy first appeared in Super Mario Land and is Peach's best friend. Diddy Kong is related to Donkey Kong, who debuted with Mario in the 1981 Donkey Kong game. Birdo appeared in Super Mario Bros. 2."

Jelly: "As for Toad, it was necessary to give him an extra partner to fit with the two-person kart theme, so they made Toadette. One last thing, the random bosses you said only felt a tiny bit random to me. Petey and King Boo may have many differences, but what they have in common is that they are villains."

Game Dude: "Look how much longer it takes to select Wario. What a pointless minuscule inconvenience not even worth mentioning!"

Sophie: "Then why did you say that when you said it wasn't worth mentioning? You can't really try and undo your nitpicks in reviewing unless you revise your script and rehearse, which you didn't really seem to do."

Jelly: "Who cares about how long it takes to pick a character?"

Baby Butter: "Nommy!" (Not me!)

Game Dude: "All we need is Mario, Luigi, Wario, Bowser, Yoshi, Toad, and Peach. That's it! And....maybe Waluigi. Even Koopa, Kong, and Junior Boy aren't really that important."

Peanut: "I personally prefer games with wider selections of characters, because they give more variety. By the way, with the unimportance thing, refer to my earlier statement, since I'm not repeating myself."

Game Dude: "There's a nice variety of karts, but once you get the gold one, the rest are useless. So what's the point? And if Wario's humping the kart, who's steering?"

Jelly: "We do agree that there is a good variety of karts, but don't you realize the gold kart doesn't have the best acceleration? Just because it's gold doesn't mean it's the best. Don't judge stats by appearance."

Sophie: "Look at the Turbo Yoshi and Heart Coach karts, for example. Those two accelerate faster than the Parade Kart with four stars. Aside from that, the Parade Kart's main flaw is its width. It makes it more vulnerable to items and hazards."

Peanut: "And why nitpick on a simple finish animation?"

Game Dude: "The Delfinos are assholes and never belong in the Mario universe."

Sophie: "They're called Piantas, not Delfinos. You could've used research before writing your script. Also, how exactly are they assholes to you? You do realize that the Piantas originated in Super Mario Sunshine and are a new species to add to the diversity of species in the Mario universe."

Game Dude: "Baby Park is way too small and should've been a battle stage instead."

Peanut: "Its size explains why it has more laps than the other tracks. Last time we checked, we were surprised that it has seven laps instead of three."

Game Dude: "And you know what's really annoying? Why must everything have a face? Look at the trees! Is this Mario Kart or Kirby's Dreamland!"

Baby Butter: "Wha?!"

Jelly: "Yet you ignore the faces on objects in the rest of the Mario games that you claim to be classics. How hypocritical."

Sophie: "Also, that comparison was invalid. While the trees slightly resemble Whispy Woods, Mario Kart is nothing like Kirby's Dreamland when comparing backgrounds."

Game Dude: "There's the giant pink arch, that looks like a giant pink dick, and is it a coincidence that the map is also dick-shaped? At the exact same time? Is Little Mermaid all over again times two in a row? How did this happen? Were they looking up porn magazines while making this game? What a load of bouncing grasshopper shit! This is Mario Kart for fucking out loud! Like the Nerd always said, what were they thinking?"

[Baby Butter attempts to mimic a wha-wha-wha trumpet sound]

Peanut: "Are you serious? Why bash on the background and map for their shape? I can't see them looking like private parts."

Jelly: "Neither can I, Peanut. Hey, Game Dude, guess what? You shouldn't try too hard to be like the Nerd with the animal references and copied phrases. Heck, you mentioned him right before you copied his line!"

Game Dude: "Mario Kart Wii is a social tea party and there's never been so many pointless characters. Like we don't need Rosalina, Daisy, Baby Daisy, Baby Peach, Ape with Pauline--"

[Record scratch]

Baby Butter: "Huh?"

Sophie: "What the hell was that?"

Peanut: "The joke you tried to make was messily executed. Once again, please refer to my earlier statement."

Game Dude: "Because Peach is by far the best so all Mario needs is her. Why are the characters so shiny? They look like they're covered with wax."

Sophie: "I thought the shininess looked nice on them. There's no need to nitpick on graphics."

Game Dude: "Hey, I wonder......................WHAT A BUNCH OF SQUIRREL FUCK NUTS!"

Jelly: "Really?! You expected yourself to drive off to another part of the track, which you thought it was possible to do in Mario Kart 64? I'm pretty sure that would be cheating, so they had to prevent you from reaching that point by simply making you fall and then picked up by Lakitu to return to where you were before."

Game Dude: "The Miis belong in Wii Sports, not Mario Kart. But no, they just had to barge their way here like in Brawl and Galaxy. Some of the magic is instantly destroyed by the presence of these Fisher-Price toys. And the mall music makes matters worse. It's like laughing at me with those stupid Miis!"

Peanut: "This is Mario Kart WII, a Wii game made by Nintendo. So, Miis were gonna be in it anyway. What part of the game's title don't you understand? Apparently, I actually find it interesting to have them appear in the game. I mean, Mii versions of us watching the racers go by? It's awesome if you ask me!"

Jelly: "The mall music doesn't really capture the appearance of background Miis, either. Does that matter?"

Game Dude: "Now look at this, Delfinos and Miis at the exact same time! It's like mixing piss and shit in a blender! And what the crap is this doing in Mario Kart?! Seriously. What the shit is this doing in Mario Kart? Look how annoyingly out of place they are stupidly driving back and forth for no reason at all! Even worse, you can actually race with them too. Is this Mario Kart, or Mii Kart damn it?!"

PB&J: "Stop it!"

Sophie: "Please stop bashing on my favorite Mario Kart Wii course, Coconut Mall, and the Miis. The cars driving back and forth serve as hazards, adding challenge. Besides, Miis aren't as heavily focused as Mario, Luigi, and Peach. Also, you must unlock them later on in the game, so it's definitely not Mii Kart. Oh, and once again, Piantas, Game Dude, not Delfinos."

Game Dude: "Some classic courses return, fully revamped and refreshed. Like Peach Bitch. MORE LIKE PEACH'S FANTASY DICK LAND!"

Peanut: "I'm not repeating myself."

Game Dude: "But the best are the Mario Kart 64 revisions. Look at the sunlight behind all the clouds in the dream-like background shines over the simplicity of the reflective ice while the incredible dream-like music plays and the classic Mario Kart flag approaches from the distance."

Jelly: "We do kinda agree that the Mario Kart 64 revamps were good. However, that's not the best you can describe them, Game Dude, with words like dream-like and classic."

Sophie: "It appears that you have a limited vocabulary of adjectives. Couldn't you at least spice it up with other positive synonyms? In addition, let's not forget that you seem to be a nostalgiatard over Mario Kart 64, being biased on the track revisions."

Game Dude: "This is magic. THIS IS FUCKING MARIO KART! This is how it should all be like."

Peanut: "I disagree. Refer to my comment explaining that something different doesn't make itself bad."

[Sherbet Valley music continues playing]

Baby Butter: (yawns)

Sophie: "Baby cousin, you must be yawning from that filler."

[A montage of Mario Kart gameplay plays]

Game Dude: "Yoshi! You ignoramus! Aw Junior Boy, you ignorant anus! Aww crappers and cheese. I said, crappers and cheese."

Jelly: "What's the point of this footage here, Alex? Even a baby's joke book is better at puns, no offense, Butter." (sees that Butter is already asleep from the filler shown) "Perfect reaction from that filler."

Game Dude: "Well now I'm fucked!"

[Butter is still asleep]

Game Dude: "At least you're coming down with me, Toad! WHY?!" (higher pitched voice) "I'm gonna getchu!" (Normal voice) "What?! "

[Jelly's eyes are slowly beginning to shut]

Peanut: "Jel, you're-" (Jelly falls asleep) "Oh boy."

Game Dude: (impersonating Mario) "Wario, I got a present for you..." (Normal voice) "Oh no......OH SHIT! Here's a shortcut..............Awww, so much for my shortcut, FUCK! Dreg rabbit!"

Sophie: "It's dagnabbit."

Peanut: (eyelids slowly lower) "Yeah."

Game Dude: "Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah! Kay, you know what? Just stop. Just stop....NO!"

[Peanut falls asleep, Sophie shrugs]

Game Dude: "Perfect timing!" (in an Italian accent) "What?! Get off the current! Get off the current! Come on, come on, come on! Oh, I'm a goner, dammit!" (normal voice) "PENGUIN PILE OF POOP! Come on, come on, come on, come on..." (impersonating Mario) "YAHOO.......Son of a bitch, you stupid Mii! You just had to ruin the ending didn't you. Imagine if--nevermind."

Sophie: "It's over, PB&J, you can wake up now!"

[PB&J wake up]

Jelly: "So, what did we miss?"

Sophie: "Pointless filler of Game Dude intentionally playing badly at the Mario Kart games, which is stupid. Not to mention the Nerdspired disclaimer at the end to try to prove he was inspired by the AVGN, which was more like copying him."

Peanut: "Thank goodness I fell asleep."

Baby Butter: "Yeah yeah!"

Jelly: "What do you think of the review, Sophie?"

Sophie: "Well, I can say that the review didn't click with us."

Jelly: "What do you mean?"

Peanut: "She meant that it wasn't a good review at all."

Jelly: "I get it. I do agree with her."

Peanut: "Me too."

Baby Butter: "Me fwee!" (Me three!)

Sophie: "The problems with this review were that there were too many nitpicks, lacked elaboration, had unnecessary filler having him screwing up on purpose to make only Double Dash and Mario Kart Wii seem bad to him, and lame jokes that come off as trying way too hard to be an entertaining AVGN clone."

Jelly: "You're missing something, cousin."

Sophie: "What is it?"

Jelly: "He didn't go into detail on Mario Kart DS or Super Circuit!"

Sophie: "I guess you're right, Jel. He was probably too lazy to cover those games during the rushed production."

Peanut: "Game Dude, here's what you should've done differently. You could've made more effort into your video and took your time by elaborating on certain parts, focusing on other aspects in the games such as the modes, items, etc., getting rid of filler that ruins the purpose of a review, revising it properly, and rehearsing it until it's worthy of uploading."

Sophie: "Peanut isn't joking, Alex. You also seem to be doing revised reviews, which don't make your videos any better. In the revisions I saw on YouTube, you didn't elaborate more, kept your contradictions and/or errors, added and removed clips to make the review barely better or worse depending on the game you're tackling, and called it a revised review. It seems that your revisions were handled through the video editing process about 80% of the time."

Jelly: "Maybe more like 95%?"

Peanut: "Let's not get too carried away with the percentages since they can become predictable."

Jelly: "Alright."

Sophie: "This is Sophie the Otter."

Peanut: "I'm Peanut."

Jelly: "I'm Jelly!"

Baby Butter: "Me Butter!"

Sophie: "This has been our commentary on Game Dude's Mario Kart review. Oodelay for now!"

PB&J: "Oodelay!"