User blog:Carlton Beaenkes/James' Pokémon Emerald Nuzlocke: The Boring Prologue Where Nothing That Important Happens

Da Rules:

1. All Pokémon that faint are considered dead and must be put in a box never to be used again.

2. You can only catch the first Pokémon on each route that isn't a duplicate. If you KO it, then no Pokémon at all from that route.

3. All Pokémon must be nicknamed for stronger emotional bonds.

4. Don't trade or hatch eggs.

5. The battle style is Set.

James: Hi, guys! Welcome to my Pokémon Emerald Nuzlocke series! I figured there was no better place to start this magnificent adventure than at the start! The only reason I put myself on top next to a colon mark is because I will also let my Pokémon say stuff like this at the beginning of every episode. I hope you enjoy!

Okay, let's cut to the chase. Professor Birch gives his game opening spiel and asks for my name. For my name, I chose Scott in honor of  Scott Cawthon  Scott Weiland, recently deceased rocker (STP!). Then I arrived from the moving truck. Why the hell is a 10-year old sitting in the back of the truck? IDK, maybe it's his man-cave? Anyways, I went inside, SET THE DAMN CLOCK, took out the Potion, missed watching my dad Norman on the news, and then I promptly went next door to Professor Birch's house. One of my favorite things about Pokémon is that you can just randomly walk into someone's house and they don't seem to give a crap. So, I talk to his wife who tells me about her daughter. I go up to her room and I click a strangely placed giant Poké Ball, summoning May. WOAH WTF MAY IS A POKEMAN May comes into the room, and she tries to start up a conversation and befriend me.

''Oh, this is silly, isn't it? I… I've just met you, SCOTT. Eheheh…''

scay is my new otp

Then she says she has to help her dad catch some wild Pokémon, and proceeds to sit on her computer. This will probably remind somebahdy of somebahdy else. I then went in the lab to find Professor Birch, but he WASN'T THERE. DUN DUN DUN-- actually, it's not that shocking considering everybody and their mother tells the protagonist that he  lieks likes going outside to research. I then try to go outside, but a girl stops me and says she's scared because Birch is being chased around by Pokémon and asks you to go look for her. Earlier on in the game, if you try to go outside, this same girl tells you it's dangerous to go in the wild without Pokémon and refuses to let me leave. What a self-indulgent asshole.

'''I then try to go outside, but Edgy Totodile appears and tells me to GO AWAY, so I go away, and then Professor Birch gets killed by a Level 2 Zigzagoon and becomes the laughingstock of Hoenn. My dad is pissed about it, and the girl gets my parents even more pissed when she tells them I did absolutely nothing to help, so my parents forcibly dye my hair brown and send me to a reform school in Kanto. But then, Toby the Existentialist Pencil helps me escape, kickstarting the events of infamous Pokémon ROM hack Pokémon Piss Yellow!!!!!1111ONEONE'''

Actually, wait. That's not what happened at all. I don't even recall typing that.



So, I go outside and see Professor Birch getting his ass whooped by a Level 2 Zigzagoon (well, that part happened.), who tells me to grab a Pokémon to KO this Zigzagoon. Knowing this is the part where I get my starter, I pick Treecko because I'm partial to Grass-type starters. I then noscope this Zigzagoon BO2-style. Professor Birch then thanks me and we teleport to his lab through the magic of fading effects. He then says as a reward for saving him from  being the laughingstock of Hoenn that darn raccoon, I can keep the Pokémon I used to noscope it. He lets me nickname it, and I nickname it Swagsuke in honor of the King of Strong-Style, Shinsuke Nakamura. Yes, that's the dancing guy in the gif. He then tells me that I should spend time with his daughter, May (keeping up with the Scay! Good job, Emerald dialogue writers.). I say yes, and I go into the wild with me Pokeman. We then proceed to noscope people until I get to Level 8 in preparation to battle May so I will always get to go first. We then head up to Oldale Town, where a lady who works for the Poké Mart gives me a Potion. I then heal up at the Pokémon Center, so I don't have to use either of my two potions. I then head to Route 102 to see if she's there. Then, some nerd stops me and says he found the footprints of a rare Pokémon. I then go to Route 103 instead, and surprise May. She then challenges me to a battle. I then proceed to beat her Torchic, which hasn't learned any Fire-type moves because it's still at Level 5 (the noob didn't even bother to train it). I even used Absorb beyond all common sense. I win, get $300 because that's what happens in Hoenn when your pet lizard beats up somebody's pet chicken. We then rush to the lab, where Professor Birch hands us Pokédexes, and May gives me 5 Poké Balls as another reward for beating her when she had the type advantage. I step outside the lab, and my true Nuzlocke adventure begins...